Muted (穆然)

15

When I opened my eyes again, the white light in the room hurt my eyes. I frowned and blinked, and after I got used to the bright light, I looked around again: there were no star posters on the walls, and they were clean without a trace of dirt. The goose-yellow curtains were rolled up and hung by the window, and the high sky could be seen through the bright windows. The sofa in the corner, the chair beside the bed, the whole room is clean and tidy, but there is no trace of popularity. I heard something in a daze. I turned my head and saw the infusion tube hanging in the air. The medicine was poured down one by one. After they were gathered together, they flowed through the slender tube below and finally passed through the needle on the back of my hand. , enter my body.

I lay in bed in a daze for a while, feeling as if a stone was being pressed on my chest. My heart had to work very hard to bear every breath. I wanted to pull the needle out of my hand and scream and cry, and I even wanted to tear the wounds on my body to prove that I was just back in that nightmare. But I didn't do anything, I just lay there, looking at the ceiling, expressionless and crying. I was like a drug addict who was suffering from drug addiction and was about to collapse and got heroin again. I greedily and intoxicatedly relived the scenes in my dreams over and over again.

Those who smiled at me, the love and happiness I felt, before the residual warmth left, I hugged them tightly in my arms, trying to warm my already frozen chest.

Someone opened the door and approached. It was the nurse who came to check the ward. She looked at me and said "Ah" in surprise and hurried out. Not long after, some doctors and nurses came in from the door and groped me, checking this and that. I lay quietly and allowed them to do whatever they did. The nurse who noticed that I woke up stood in front of my bed and hesitated for a long time. Finally, she lifted me up and put a new pillow on me. She looked at me before walking out of the room carrying the mostly wet pillow. One look, how to describe that look? Probably the look in the eyes of passers-by when they see a man with a broken leg and foot humbly bowing and begging for charity on the street.

The room became quiet again, and I lay on the bed in silence until the sun was almost setting. The sky outside the window was so red that it made the whole room seem to be on fire. Yi Tian arrived at this time, followed by two middle-aged women. One of the women came in and put the food box she was carrying on the table beside the bed, took out a few small dishes of cold dishes, and poured out some steaming white porridge from the thermos, waiting for the other woman to shake it. After I could sit up on the high bed, she picked up the bowl and walked up to me, scooped some porridge with a spoon and looked at me, as if waiting for me to open my mouth.

"I'll do it myself." I whispered to her. As soon as I opened my mouth, I felt my throat was dry and uncomfortable, and my voice was so hoarse that I couldn't hear clearly. The woman turned to look at Yi Tian, and after receiving his signal, she gave the bowl to me. My hands were shaking so much that it took me a long time to hold the bowl steady. My fingers couldn't use the strength and I almost couldn't hold the spoon several times. He lowered his head and slowly drank the porridge in mouthfuls. The warm white porridge made his throat and stomach feel much better.

Yi Tian had been sitting next to me, handling things with the PDA in his hand, and he didn't leave until I finished eating and the two women packed up their things and left. "Yi Tian..." I wanted to thank him for the care I received in the hospital, but after thinking about it, he must have thought that I was hypocritical, so I simply asked him for help, "Well, could you please help me contact Li Auntie." He didn't answer or even raise his head. I was a little embarrassed and explained hesitantly: "I just want to ask her to help bury my mother." I don't know how long I have to lie in bed like this. I don't know how my mother's body was disposed of. If no one asked about it, I felt a tight pain in my chest. I didn't dare to think about it. Yi Tian finally put away the PDA and looked up at me. There was still no emotion in his eyes, "He has been buried in Songhe Cemetery."

Songhe Cemetery? I looked at him questioningly. This is a high-end cemetery on the outskirts of the city. Why is it there? What's more, the one who can take care of these things is Aunt Li, and it is impossible for her to have this condition. I couldn't react for a while, but Yi Tian saw my doubts and opened his mouth and said: "I'll apologize to you on Lin Han's behalf." His expression was indifferent and his attitude was casual, and his arrogant eyes made it seem like I should kneel down and face him immediately. They kowtow and say thanks. Probably I was a ridiculous clown in their eyes, and the pain I experienced was an interesting performance. After watching the play, they casually threw me a few coins as a reward for making them laugh.

I really want to get angry and roar with pride: "I don't need your charity or sympathy, nor your money!" But what is this? What can we get in exchange for this ridiculous self-esteem and resentment? Can my mother be allowed to sleep peacefully in a high-end cemetery? Can she, a fool who was despised in life, be allowed to lie in a place where most people can't stay? Can I, the useless person lying on the bed unable to move, give her these? cannot. So I nodded to Yi Tian with the most sincere expression, "Thank you."

He stopped talking and the atmosphere in the room was depressing. I thought that he would not come back after leaving this time, and we would probably never see each other again in this life, so I explained the matter clearly to him, "There are no photos. At that time, I was in a hurry to raise money to give my mother an operation, so I took this He speaks without hesitation." Yi Tian looked at me silently without any reaction. I was afraid that he would think I was trying to find excuses for my mistakes, so I simply explained everything clearly, "And... I'm sorry. I did something very excessive before. ." I pulled the corner of my mouth and smiled helplessly, "I'm sorry for causing such embarrassing memories in your life." I guessed his reaction in my heart, and I was already prepared that he would scold me for being hypocritical or ask me what kind of tricks I was going to play. But he didn't say anything, just stood up and left without even looking at me.

I watched his back slowly move away, and I didn't come back to my senses until the door slammed shut. My vision gradually blurred, and I was surprised by the extreme reluctance and sadness that suddenly jumped up in my heart. I suddenly remembered that from the beginning to now, I had never stood in front of him and said "I love you" sincerely and aboveboard. Probably because these three words carry too much weight, are too holy and beautiful, and the deep-rooted inferiority and cowardice in my heart prevent me from even having the courage to speak. I really want to chase him back and hold his hand and talk to him once, even if he is about to face the most vicious insults and merciless punches and kicks.

This is probably my last chance in this life.

After Yi Tian left, I stayed alone in the ward. Without visits from relatives and friends, without beautiful flowers and thoughtful fruit baskets, the whole room seemed empty, cold and lifeless. It was really too quiet, and gradually I felt a little sleepy, my eyelids were twitching up and down, and my head was feeling drowsy. In a daze, I seemed to see my mother running out of the hospital in a panic, looking around for something. A thin young man passed by on the other side of the road, and she chased after him with joy on her face. A car sped up from the left, but in the blink of an eye, the man was knocked out and fell into a pool of blood, twitching and struggling...

I woke up with a shiver all over and my hospital clothes were wet on my back. I shrank slightly, feeling a little cold. When I stretched out my hand to pull the quilt higher, I heard a tiny muffled groan. The sound seemed to come from the chest, like the scream of a person who had been suppressed for a long time and finally couldn't bear the extreme pain. All kinds of messy sounds appeared in my ears, those sharp and heart-breaking cries, those humble and heart-piercing words of begging. All the sounds blended together in an instant and caught me off guard.

I beat my chest and gasped to calm my heartbeat, "Don't be afraid... don't be afraid..." I wiped away the tears on my face and said in a shaking voice: "Don't be afraid... don't cry... I'll come to you right away."