Hope

Part 4

"She's going to be in surgery for several hours still, but it's looking promising. There's no damage to her uterus and no major arteries involved so we're hopeful it will be a relatively simple fix."

Simple. Nothing about this was simple. But still Elliot felt just the tiniest bit of a relief at what the nurse had told them. That being said, he didn't think his blood pressure would return to even close to normal until he had Liv back his arms again- breathing, talking to him.

He sat there with his head in his hands, willing himself to hold it together for the next few hours. They'd told him it was a simple fix but deep down he knew this was going to be everything but simple. Liv had her worst fear realised today- physically they might repair the damage Lewis had done, but mentally? Elliot knew that would be a whole different ball game for her. And he didn't even know if she'd let him be there for her in the aftermath. He'd left her after all, and she'd made it clear earlier when she'd ask him what he was doing here that she hadn't taken that lightly. He hadn't expected her to but he also didn't think he'd fully thought through just how much it could hurt her. But he couldn't stay, he couldn't be a good cop after what happened with Jenna and he couldn't be a good husband if he stayed next to Liv for much longer. He couldn't trust himself around her by that point. She'd never have let him hurt his marriage even though all he wanted to do was blow it up beyond repair and tell her how much he loved her. How much he'd always loved her.

So he'd left, not just for his sake but for hers. It wasn't fair on her for him to stay. He wanted her to be happy and he couldn't stay and watch her be happy with someone else. Even after he'd gone though he'd never been able to put her out of his mind. She stayed the first thing he thought about when he woke up and the last thing he prayed for before he fell asleep. He prayed that she was safe, that she was happy. And sometimes when he was feeling a bit more selfish or after a particularly bad argument with Kathy- he'd prayed that one day something would bring them back together. He hated that it was this.

He knew it was going to be a long few hours and he felt helpless. He hadn't protected her and the guilt was eating him up. That was the one thing he'd always had issues with- guilt. He couldn't help but think his life would've looked so different if he hadn't wrestled with guilt every way he turned. He felt guilty for wanting to leave Kathy, guilty when she got pregnant again, guilty after Jenna, guilty knowing Liv wasn't happy.

The thought of what could of been ate him up daily- in a parallel universe it always would have been him and Liv. But he needed to focus on now. He would make sure he did everything he could to be here for her now. Kathy was out of the picture, their divorce finalised over a year ago and she was moving in with some Italian man he was sure cooked better and was more present of a husband than he was ever able to be. He'd only stayed in Rome for Eli, that and the apprehension of what he'd be coming back to. Whether Liv would even want to see him after all this time.

"When she wakes up, um" Elliot coughed hoping if he said it he'd start to believe it was true. "She's going to want her own stuff right? A change of clothes and whatever?"

Fin nodded, appreciating Elliot's sentiment but knowing full well he was trying to find anything to do to distract from the waiting.

"Yeah, I can grab Rollins and shoot over to her place now. Rollins will know what she needs" Fin replied

Elliot nodded. Rollins was Liv's new partner, even thinking it felt strange. He was meant to be her partner. He had to remind himself that it was his own choice that meant he wasn't.

Fin stood up to leave and gently squeezed Elliot's shoulder. "You'll be alright man. She'll be awake before you know it." And then he took out his phone to call Rollins as he left the hospital.

Elliot was alone again so he closed his eyes and let his head rest on the wall behind him. He knew it was going to be a long wait so he might as well settle in.