Faking Smiles

02.

"Thank you." I smiled at them tightly, no matter how much I try I can't fake a genuine smile. The cold walls of the Mansion await my presence.

The delegates smiled politely and exited the chamber, I slumped back down on my chair. Exhausted beyond the point, not even eager to return to the space bound by the walls and bricks, the mansion that I called my home.

My phone buzzed, it was Tia. I was quite surprised, she wasn't usually the first one to text. Unless, she needed my assistance but it's fine, I mean we are a couple right? She doesn't always need to contact me, right?

I shook my head, discarding my thoughts. They were pointless.

I opened my phone to look at her text.

18 September, 2016 ;; 6:12 pm
Tia K.
Pick me up from my studio.

It was just that.

I waved the disappointment away. What did I even expect? A 'I love you' text? They didn't need affirmations, they knew that they loved each other. Or did they really? I chuckled drily at my own humour.

I knew we weren't in love.

Love.

The word held huge meaning to me. I was desperate to see it. I was desperate to see that very particular emotion in a person's eyes for me.

The feeling was something very beyond the capacity I possessed. Because of the purity. I didn't have it in me. That should be it. I wasn't capable of love.

I wasn't worthy of such a thing.

Pathetic, right?

I don't even care anymore.

Three decades of my life was spent devoid of that emotion. I am not afraid to say that the rest will be too. I was now sure of it. Because that was what happened in the end. I will be left alone once again, just like it happened in the past, every damn time.

There must be something, a reason that he was adamantly avoided by those around him?

Love though a word constituted of four letters, it held huge meaning.

The word was something that made my insides fuzzy.

I had craved the feel of it. The couples holding their hands walking on the sidewalks when he drove past the city. Feeding each other ice creams. Shopping together. There was a time I hated all that. My face wrinkled up in disgust at the prospect but now, I am longing to do all that. Or to say in simple words I was longing for some kind of company. That would understand me. Something that will never happen with me and Tia....who am I kidding nobody understood me.

A person felt love from different sources. One's parents, siblings, cousins, family, relatives, friends, spouses.

I had it all. But that particular feeling wasn't there. And that broke something inside me, something that I didn't even know existed.

It just wasn't.

There was nothing left to argue.

I had longed to have someone to call mine.