ALL EYEZ ON KE'ARI

F O U R T Y - O N E

SATURDAY JANUARY 15TH
BIRMINGHAM, AL
KE'ARI POV:

"I graduated yesterday. I wish you was here to see. They just gave me a diploma and basically told me that I graduated and stuff. Wasn't a ceremony or nothing but it was pretty cool. Cam nem took me out to eat. Jaydee sent me a card saying he heard about you dying and just wanted to say he love me and he hope I'm doing okay. I wish you was here honestly. I wanted to celebrate me graduating with you. We could've watched Annie. I miss your cooking. Cash can cook but it's not you. I miss being kissed on. I miss you touching me. I missed the time we spent together. I miss you being here," I started to tear up.

"It's just so hard with you being gone. I barely eat now and I'm losing myself again. I really miss you and wish you was still here. You'd be able to help me find myself again. You did before. I know you could do it again. Seeing and understanding that you buried in this ground and not coming back really hurts. I wish it was me instead of you. Knowing that you gone because of me makes me angry inside. Knowing I could've avoided it all. Everything could've been different. I should've moved you out the way when you jumped in front of me. I should've killed him way back when. I should've took the bullet for you. It should've been me," I sobbed.

"I just wish you would come back but it's only so much a shooting star can do." I got up from his grave and walked off.

I walked to the car and unlocked it as I got inside. I crunk it up to get the heat flowing, but I stayed parked. I just cried.

I felt alone but I didn't want Cash or Cam or Demon. I wanted Jeshawn. I wanted him to be with me.

It sounded selfish I know, but I really missed him. I'm hurt we never did the things we wanted to do.

We didn't start a family, we didn't get married, we didn't run away, we didn't even go on a vacation.

We ain't moved to a house like he mentioned. We just didn't do none of the things we planned to do together.

If I knew he was going to die this early I would've tried to fit everything in before he did. I would've acted differently. I would've cherished him more in the beginning.

I wish things was different I really do. I wiped my face and blew my nose. I crunk the car up and headed to the place I call home.

I got there in 30 minutes and parked the car. I turned it off and got out. I walked up my stairs and to my door.

I unlocked the door with my key and walked in, closing it behind me. I locked the door and walked to my room.

I took my clothes off and found a pair of his joggers and slid his hoodie on. I sprayed his cologne on me.

It wasn't the same as him holding me, or him just being around. The illusion of him being there was all I could have.

All the things he said to me replayed in my head. When he told me he love me. When he said he was proud of me. When he said he got me forever.