The Bad Guy

II: Black Hole

"V, what the fuck am I doing here?"

Diana clutched her glass of wine as she shifted back and forth awkwardly around a metal sculpture. It had been 9 hours since her meeting with Julio, and she was not up for social interaction. Diana's body felt dirty despite her two showers and the excess perfume she wore to cover the stink of her absolutely foul personality. After episodes of anger, Diana could not help but wallow in self-hatred.

Olivia laughed, responding to an email simultaneously. "Oh, please, you know you love this stuff. Besides, I needed to fill this place up or my boss would've killed me! Well, she still might. Did you see which way she went? She needs to do the carpet before the photographers leave, I only paid them for two hours! God, I've gotta find her." She walked off in a frantic haze, clipboard in one hand and her phone in the other.

Olivia was her saving grace, dragging her out of the house. They took care of each other. They always did. And so, Diana was in a tight cocktail dress chewing on an hors d'oeuvre, walking around until she saw an artwork that made her feel something.

Poppy-alternative music permeated the gallery. The show was abstract contemporary, which was code for weird shit and lots of color. After passing by several randomly splattered canvases, one piece caught her eye. She stopped in her stilettos, staring inquisitively at the painting. A blank canvas with a gaping black hole painted in the center. How empty, how endless, how lonely. She stared and stared until she felt herself falling into it, losing some semblance of reality.

It scared her to think that she couldn't change, that she never would. That was the sadness that she carried around with her all of those years; the inescapable hatred that comes with knowing who you are, and knowing you will never be anything different.

"That one reminded me of you. Funny to find you standing right in front of it." Diana turned around, startled. It was Alejandro. Clear as day. Four years older than she'd seen him last, dressed in an Armani suit.

As a seven year old kid, he was small and sweet, with blue eyes that were too bright for his face and a shy smile.

As a man he was bigger, with a strength that was obvious and a stare that was secretive, like he had made his mind up about you but would never say what he'd decided.

Taking a sip of pinot grigio, Diana smiled. "Ale. You're into art now? I thought a Patrick Bateman type like you would be off at a business dinner or something." She turned back at the painting, now only pretending to be interested in it. Alejandro chuckled, standing shoulder to shoulder with Diana.

Facing the black hole, he responded, "A coworker of mine brought me on a double date. I guess he wanted to seem cultured." He brushed her shoulder playfully, squeezing her arm softly. "Is Liv around? Judging by the turnout this has her name all over it."

Diana smiled, staring down at the manicured marble floor. Alejandro and her were each other's childhood crush, playing kickball together on the playground. They knew each other's birthdays, families, friends from school. She found comfort in knowing that no matter how alienated from her body she felt, there was someone there who had known her from before.

What do you do when you can't go back to who you used to be?

Diana couldn't remember at what point everything shifted. This pit within her, this ugliness. When did it begin to fester? The stains on her soul have been darkening and eating at her innards, rotting her flesh and gnawing away at her bones. She felt it every day, weakening her joints as she walked. She worried one day it would consume her. She longed for her innocence. That sweetness that only children possess. She used to have her mother's eyes. Her father's smile. Before the twisted and the wicked there was simply Diana.

Diana, at five years old with pigtails and a firm grasp around her father's legs, counting on him to watch over her.

How did she fall so far?

Why couldn't she remember when she jumped?

"Liv is working the crowd, you know how she is. Never rests!" Diana laughed absentmindedly, suddenly aware of her surroundings again. It was loud. The event had reached its peak, with each corner of the gallery now inundated by well-dressed, selfie-taking art enthusiasts. "Come on, let's take a breather for a bit, I'll find Liv for you after." Diana locked her arm around Alejandro as they walked out the side door. His frame was strong, his arms noticeably muscular. She tried not to show the nerves vibrating underneath her skin. Despite their closeness, Alejandro always kept an emotional wall between them. Diana knew never to let him see her sweat.

The night was quiet, the alley cold and slightly damp. The two childhood friends sat on fold-out chairs left by the caterers. Diana lit a cigarette, taking a drag as she listened to the now faint noise from the party. Her once radioactive thoughts grew cloudy as the nicotine entered her system.

Alejandro stared at her for a moment, turning away. "So how have you been, Di? I have to be honest, you seem...off."

"Ale, we're not good, you and I. I think that's why we always understood each other."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. What's your point?"

"Does it ever keep you up? Being the way we are. I mean, isn't it hard for you, sometimes? It's hard for me. At least on days like today."

"What happened today?"

"Remember Julio? He's in a new relationship. So I told him about you and me. Well. You and me and Spencer."

"Jesus, Di. That was years ago. What'd you do that for?"

"I don't know. I—I did love him once. Or it felt like I did, the way someone sends you a postcard of Hawaii and you love it even though you've never been. The point is, people hurt me but I never have the balls to let them go. I just hurt them back, slowly and painfully until there's nothing left of them. And yet I can never let go. I wish I could just fucking let go."

Wind disrupted the air like a harsh wave, invading the alley and knocking over a cardboard box by the dumpster. Alejandro looked thoughtfully into his hands, as if he wanted to comfort Diana but lacked the proper tools. Abandoning the idea of a hug in his mind, Alejandro said, "Let's go get wasted. Then you'll let go."

Another absentminded laugh escaped Diana's mouth, dancing through the harsh wind. "What about your double date?"

"What double date?" Alejandro stood up, holding out his hand.