To my Mom from your unworthy daughter

Sorry it's me.

I am happy to have you as my mother but I have to say, I do not deserve you.
But I am not the only one who don't deserve you, there is also the people at your work, the people who walk pass you everyday, the little birds flying in the morning with their friends and family, not realizing there is an angel walking along them.
The older son, who I have to say I don't know how to describe his unworthiness but can say with confidence that he is also unworthy. He made you sad by hurting himself, consciously or not. I remember the yelling, the crying, the lie, the violence of words, yes till this day the violence of words makes me scared. I am not one to say I am scared, cause who would care. But you my angel you wasn't scared to say something wrong was wrong you didn't act like everything was okay or inexistent so that you could sleep better. You tried your best, you did your best and you're still doing your best.

My mom is everything I have and I did not protect her, not enough, I did not do enough, I am just not enough.
I wish someday I could take you away and give you a life worthy of everything. Worthy of the father who's there at 23h36 to 14h45, not a word is made between us, he's just there, we live as if we were colocataire and not a family. I like it like this though. Every time we interact there's only pain coming out of it, for you my angel.

Who would have thought, the smiley, funny old man that's always so gentle with outsider to be such an awful dad and worst monstrous husband. I can count in one hand the time we address each other. But I could never stop counting how many times he hurt my angel. I do my best to stop the " violence" but it's hard when I cannot be by your side every hours, minutes, seconds, whatever the time. He say hurtful words when he thinks there's no one to hear him. He play victim as if the words was made for him.

Sometimes I want to say something but I can't, cause I wouldn't be the one to take the consequences, he's too scared to attack me now that I am of age to put him back in place. No he likes to give himself this character that he plays but with us he is himself. I am not a capable person, not now but there's no time every seconds ,that I allow this cause yes me being incapable is me allowing it, that pass he is destroying my angel. My angel, they make of my Angel a monster who takes everything while not knowing that she has nothing. Nothing but what she work hard for. they were jealous of her strength, her accomplishments while the real monster was trying to destroy her.

Man, man are nothing but problems, sadness and unworthiness. You call yourself a man, but take rewards for things you didn't do, you call yourself a man but hide behind a mask, you call yourself a man but don't have any honor, you call yourself a man but doesn't have nothing of a Man, you call yourself a man while comparing yourself to a woman with less education, money but more accomplishment than you , you call yourself a man but you incompetent.
You call yourself a man but act like a bitch.

Which man will left their wife while sick and hurt because of nothing, can't move, can't go to work, suffering with bills to pay and only a child working. I didn't have a lots of respect for you, nearly zero but the little bit of it I had as low as it was will never come back not even after your death.

I have so much hatred towards you, but I will learn not too one day, for my own sake.

His family takes his side making us look like the ungrateful kids and wife. Oblivious on purpose to our pain. Talking of them makes my oil boil all I have to say is if they loved their brother/uncle/son so much why didn't you marry between yourselves. No they wanted us to bend to them, to stay low but there is only so much that a human can take. My Angel in her late 50 realizes she will never be enough, never be included because of an incompetent father.

He came back 4 months after, we moved out to another apartment at this time. He came and find us in the apartment. Acting as if everything was normal. Than little by little he is coming back to his old ways.

But there was a big change when he was gone, he doesn't know but he is not part of our family no more, he is just a man living with us for now. Not a husband nor a father.

Beautiful Angel, have to take her kids out to a friend house with nothing on their feet cause her husband was still a child in a man body, who cannot hold his anger.

But I am worst cause I have hurt you. I feel ashamed. I always said how much you mean to me how much I love you but I have hurt you. I wish it was me. I wish I was the one hurt but it was you, my angel. I feel ashamed now to tell you I love you or to hold you but I still do cause if I don't I would be worst.
Can't believe there was all this blood on the ground and on the wall. My lack of control caused you a pain unforgettable, and lived a scar to testify of how unworthy I am.

This is my life this is me, desperate to make a lot of money, cause I know money won't fix anything but it will make it better. I hope so. So much.

Thank you so much if you read to this. It's nothing much, nothing entertaining but it's me and I wanted to share it, maybe it will make me feel better, I hope so.
I do know there isn't only good people out there and that there might be negative outcomes but hey I am strong mentally at least when it comes to outsiders.

Love who loves you.

- I am just a woman.

Didn't correct or anything, this is genuinely me.