Let's break up together

April 3rd 2024

He broke my heart today.

One week before our 2-year anniversary he decided to call it quits.

He said that he felt like he was being taken advantage of in the relationship like he couldn't be himself, he didn't feel respected,  he wasn't happy, I didn't ask him enough questions, I wasn't supportive enough, I wasn't kind enough, I was too harsh on him. 

Seeing his phone light up with my name made him anxious. He had to walk on eggshells around me and he couldn't do it anymore.

I didn't have the heart to tell him I finally starting the process of getting therapy the week before. I didn't have the heart to tell him that for the past 2 months, I've been feeling like my body wasn't my own, that it felt scattered and shattered.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that my dad had only gotten worse. 

I couldn't tell him any of that cause I'd already kept it from him for so long

But how could I tell him?

How could I tell him such delicately painful things when all he would do is say "I'm sorry about the situation, I know this is hard on you and that isn't fair"

I taught him those words.

I sewed those words into his tongue and now he's spitting the threads back at me.

The words trap me, because what now? I don't walk away from the conversation feeling validated or heard as if he can now see the boulder that I've been shouldering. I walk away from the conversation having to console him because he feels inadequate in his ability to help me feel better.

I walk away feeling worse, and more drained, and he gets to walk away like nothing has changed.

With him I could never be porcelain. 

He felt as if I didn't ask him enough questions, he felt as if I wasn't listening to him and I wasn't. I wasn't listening to anyone, I wasn't listening to myself. I was listening to the constant hum in my ears that made caring about others so difficult. 

I couldn't give him the relationship he wanted because I didn't have the emotional capacity to.

I know that.

But how could he?

I fed him crumbs when that was all I could give. 

He knew that things were getting worse and not once had he tried to really really help me.

When he was going through a hard time what did I do?

I found online and in-person therapists for him to visit. Specialists to help him with his deepest troubles. I listened and I engaged and I researched how to be the best supporter I could.

But him?

He walked away because he decided I wasn't worth the work. 

He didn't even consider perhaps my behaviour was a symptom of something much worse.

But how could he, he's never been the most considerate. I've always had to beg for him to see it from my perspective and consider what I'm going through. 

I do feel guilty for how I treated him. I knew at the time I wasn't the best, the guilt weighed heavily on me then, but even worse so now. I know that my feelings were valid but my behaviour wasn't.

But I still can't help but feel disrespected.

In all the times I had considered ending it with him I had always, always given him the decency, the love, the respect of a conversation before doing anything.

In these conversations, he would cry, and talk about how selfish he was and it would end with me consoling him and lightening the mood to try and make him feel better.

I'm not sure he'd ever put my emotions first, I can't remember if he ever did.

But I love him, he was my first love. 

I'm in love with him and I miss him already.