Let's break up together

April 13th 2024

I miss him today, I want to share this day with him.

The nice weather, the pretty park, the sun, I want to bask in it with him by my side.

But I can't. because he walked away

Be he left and that really fucking hurts. He was a lesson when I wanted him to be the one.

I don't know if we're compatible, but right now. I don't really care. if he said he wanted me back I'd be there in a heartbeat. I love him, I don't need self-respect. His disrespect should be my closure but I'm not ready to walk away just yet.

He helps keep me sane, he helps keep me grounded.

I just want him back.

I want his friendship, I want his companionship.

I think I feel anger now more than ever. I'm angry at how he left it. I get that he's an avoidant and fearful attachment style. I want to have compassion for that, it must have really hurt him, bottling his feelings like that.

But it still makes me angry

Makes me feel so small

Where was his love In the end of us

Where was the grace? 

Did I even deserve to be broken up gracefully? Did all the bad outweigh all the good?

The weight feels heavier on my chest today. 

I hope he's feeling the pain too. I hope that he misses me. I hope that he forever regrets letting me go. I hope that he never finds another person who makes him feel as loved as I once did. 

I hope the women he tastes leave a bitter taste in his mouth. I hope he realizes that with me he was tasting liquid gold. I hope he finds happiness so long as he isn't as happy as he was with me. I hope the new girls he meets are nice but not kind. 

I hope he realises the depth of me. I hope he yearns for it. I hope he is paralysed by the selfishness of others after spending years lounging in the selflessness of me. I hope I was the one that got away.

I hope that in 2 years after I've lived, after I've spat out the bitterness of men and been swallowed by the freedom of life he asks to meet and to try again.

I think it would work.

In the same continent, the same country, the same city. No more long distance.  

We'd have our own lives that we could share with one another. There would be no more invasions, no more eclipses.

He'd bring the sun, I'd bring the rain and together we'd grow anew.