ALONE

Confession of regret

I ran into the hospital while Taehyung  was parking the car. I went towards the ICU section where my mother was kept. The scene infront of me made me feel a shiver which gave me goosebumps all over my body.

My mother was breathing heavily. She was surrounded by the doctor and nurses. One nurse was adjusting her oxygen mask while the doctor was checking her vitals.

My mother...who was once a very lively person was almost lifeless lying on the hospital bed. The one who used to talk a lot is now not able to utter a single word.

Taehyung came and rubbed my back, a sign through which he was trying to comfort me. Even he was feeling pity for my poor mother. He too witnessed my mother's care and affection towards him as he used to visit me and Diana every weekend when we were high school students. We studied in the same school but Taehyung was a year senior to us.

Diana... everything changed since the day she was gone. My mother lost her contagious smile,I left my hometown and never looked back. I was afraid of the memories that haunts me when I am here. I feel like she is still here with us. Or I feel like I am the reason why she died at such a young age. We both were conjoined twins who promised to never get separated from each other when we were kids. We were happy that our bodies were joined ( the waists were joined) which also meant that we share the same soul. But as we grew up, I was tired. I was irritated at the fact that I had to take her everywhere I go and I had to follow her everywhere she went. Our bodies were one but our lives were different. I was interfering in her life and she was interfering in mine. Therefore, I asked my mother to get separated and have an operation. Diana was not ready for it because the chances of her survival was less during the operation. But I did not listen to her. I was stubborn. Also at that time I was informed that Taehyung will be back to Korea from Australia and he is planning to propose me. I was on cloud nine. I cannot share my husband with Diana. She needs to have a separate body for herself to live an individual life. I always cannot make her a part of my life. She was there with me in my birth, my childhood,my school life and my collage life. That was enough now I cannot be attached with her. I cannot involve her in my and Taehyung's married life. I need to live my life and she also needs to live her life. She had to find her love and live happily.

And the decision was made. We will undergo the operation. Diana agreed with a lot of hesitation. She was afraid of losing her life as I mentioned that the chances of her survival was less. But I did not see the fear in her eyes. My mind was busy fantasizing my and Taehyung's wedding.

And my stubbornness, my selfishness killed my sister. We were born together but she died alone. It was her right to live a healthy and prosperous life filled with love and joy involving her beloved ones. But I snatched that precious life away from her. Now after indirectly killing her I'm living my life. It would be wrong if I say that I am always thinking of her and weeping. No...I was living a wonderful life with Taehyung. Our life was full of love, affection and care for each other. I never visited my hometown after my marriage. But yeah... I never forgot to call my mother everyday. We talked for like  four hours almost everyday, not continuously but if I calculate the call durations from morning to night that would sum up to four hours.

I sometimes did miss Diana but I avoid thinking about her as it makes me regretful and sorrowful.

But now that I'm here, I'm always thinking about her. My worst nightmare of returning to Busan came true. But I had to come because I cannot leave my mother alone in this situation.