nine pieces of yourself

| mirror people

"Why are you here?"

"To do homework and waste time until I can go home."

"That's what you told me that first time. But you could also... I don't know. Hang out with Winnie. Sit in a Starbucks. Why here, specifically?"

His head empties itself as he meets Jaewon's curious glance over the table. He blinks. Stares at Jaewon's notebook filled with numbers and equations and long paragraphs explaining stuff he can't read from looking at it upside down. Jaewon is actually studying, actively being productive and Jaehyun is — well. Breathing. Exchanging oxygen for carbon dioxide. For some reason.

"I've always been here," he slowly starts, propping an elbow onto the table and leaning his head against the palm of his hand. "It's just what I've been doing for years now. I wouldn't know what else to do. Never thought about it."

Jaewon hums in understanding, though Jaehyun suspects he's just being polite and doesn't actually get what he's talking about. "I mean yeah. It's quiet and calm in here. And for free. You'd have to spend money at Starbucks."

Jaehyun could just take his argumentation and run with it. But it's not the truth and he hates lying to Jaewon. To anyone, really, but especially to him.

"It hasn't been long since I've started actually thinking for myself, I guess."

He tries to sound casual. Not like this confession is about to crush his chest if he blows it out of proportion.

Up to this point, Jaewon has still been holding his pencil in his hand. Now he puts it aside and slightly tilts his head to the side as he keeps looking at him with this kind smile he wears everywhere and Jaehyun feels like he has unintentionally said something earth-shattering.

Jaewon doesn't reply anything though, so he takes this as a sign to elaborate. He's not sure he wants to, but he's definitely supposed to drop his tragic backstory or something now. Except that he doesn't have one. Just felt overall lost and mindless for a major part of his life.

"Okay, uhm." He clears his throat. "Where do I even start."

One. He misses reading The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. It's been weeks since he has last touched it, always a bit too awkward to get a book and sink into the pages while Jaewon is so diligently studying right in front of him.

Two. Jaehyun's father would probably prefer having Jaewon as his child.

Three. Jungwoo tags along to the library when his earphones have enough battery, which is about once or twice a week, max. Today, he's not here and Jaehyun can't help but notice the lack of none of my business-attitude at this table on the second floor. Not that Jaewon is overbearing. Just. Jaehyun isn't used to formulating his problems from vaguely upsetting sensations in the back of his head into coherent words.

Four. He thinks of Jewon. The last time he opened up to him, he kissed him. He definitely can't do that to Yang Jaewon, but eh. He'll manage.

"I haven't really been living for myself for a long time, you get me?" Jaewon clearly doesn't, but oh, well. He's already said it. "Actually, I didn't know what I was living for at all. Not in the sense that I wished I didn't exist, but I felt no...purpose? No goal? I'm not like—"