To Love and To Hate

Chapter One

Laineville NY, March 13th 2019

"When demons play inside your head, and make demands that must be fed, a solitary life it tends to decree, as most everyone turns to flee. Always expecting a rash escape, feeding those demons as they take, always guarding day and night, a restless soul becomes my plight."

"I love you". Chubby arms were circled around me. The smell of Johnsons baby shampoo, and lotion mixing together under my nose. Small, strong breaths blowing against my ear, and a tiny thudding heart beating against me. 

Green eyes looked into mine as the small body pulled out of my embrace, too soon. Little boy Sandy blond hair mussed around his small cherubic face, his small round cheeks full as he smiled. Eager and excited to play, full of that never-ending energy little boys always seemed to have, he turned on his heels and ran away from me. His small sturdy legs were already carrying him quickly away as I tried to lunge, to keep him with me, but catching only air. 

"RYAN!" His name was wrenched from me as I jerked upright in bed. Drenched with sweat, sheets and blankets a tangled mass puddled around my waist and twisted around my legs, breathing ragged in my chest. Mind fuzzy, I tried to get my bearings, to pull myself from the dregs of sleep and the dream that haunted me.

I pushed my long auburn hair back from my face, the strands sticking to my cheeks, my hands trembling. slightly. Forcing numb legs to work, I swung them to the floor, willing them to hold my weight. Walking carefully towards the half-opened bedroom door, down the short hall, to the second of the three bedrooms. The closed door I never opened, never went into anymore. Laying a hand on the knob, twisting, and leaning in, I looked inside. Everything was at it should have been. The toys were placed neatly in their proper places, the clothes folded and put away. The lights were off, a nightlight offering the only illumination, a part from the curtains that were pulled shut blocking the darkness pressing  against the panes. 

The pictures were in all of their proper places showing a progression of a life that was full of smiling happy faces; of the perfect family. A mother holding her infant while lovingly looking into his eyes. A mother looking out a the camera with a comforting sureness that her world was exactly as it should be. Mom and Dad snuggles together with their baby between them. The toddler alone in front of a Christmas background, clearly a department store photo department. The twinkling lights on a flat tree, empty presents strewn around for the little boy to reach for, and be disappointed by, when he couldn't open them. the dad in a park with a three year old, caught in the act of throwing a little ball for him to catch. The perfect family. Alive. Happy. All where they should be. 

The little boy bed was pushed against the far wall, under the window to allow for night gazing and daydreaming. The covers were neatly pulled up and tucked in; empty. The well loved teddy that was needed before sleep would come, placed on his spot on the pillow; empty. 

Everything in its place. Empty. 

Turning slowly, I stepped back out of the room, turned the knob so the door shut with only the tiniest click of sound. I walked along the hall to my own, empty bed. Laid my head against the now cold pillows, and prayed that sleep would be a dreamless one. That Ryan would stay away this time; that he would come again.