Unsound Voices

1

[Present]

"I expected that you'll call me earlier than this, Calista Zy. Nag-aalala na 'ko. I thought you had me cut off, too."

I put the call on speaker and left my phone sa ibabaw ng kitchen countertop para marinig ko pa rin si Riva as I organize my groceries.

"You know I'd never do that," I said.

"Oh with what have been happening these past few weeks I don't know anymore," she said and after a while I heard her sigh.

Hindi ko naman mapigilang mapangiti as I sense the worry in her voice.

"Okay, sorry. I'll pick up your calls as soon as I can next time. Promise 'yan."

"Dapat lang. Lalo ngayon na hindi na tayo madalas magkikita. Ngayon pa lang talaga nagsi-sink in sa'kin 'to and now I feel like crying again."

Malakas na mga pagsinga at hikbi ang sunod kong narinig and I can't help but laugh a little. There she goes again with her dramatic self.

"Is that your way of saying that you'll miss me?" I joked para medyo gumaan naman ang mood. I can't entertain any more drama in my already dramatic life.

"Of course I'll miss you, gaga ka!"

"And I miss you, too," I laughed.

"Oh and by the way, hinahanap ka nila sa'kin. Lalo na si-"

I cut her off.

"Don't tell them where I transferred," Agad kong sabi.

Moving forward with my life meant moving away from the past, even if the past holds people that are dear to me.

"Okay, I understand. Pero hindi ka pwedeng umiwas lagi, Cali. They're your friends, too."

"I know, just not today. I can't handle questions today, but soon. Friends are friends," I said kahit na hindi ko rin alam kung kelan ang soon na 'yon, "Alam naman nila na lumipat ako, right?"

"Yes, and kinakamusta ka nila. I said na you're not answering my calls so they're probably freaking out right now, lalo na si Jah."

"Riva, bakit naman iyon ang sinabi mo?" Pag-angal ko. Knowing Jah na mas ma-drama pa kay Riva, baka pinapahanap na 'ko noon sa albularyo ngayon.

"Bakit sinasagot mo ba tawag ko, ha? Duh, I'm telling the truth!" Pag-angal niya pabalik.

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Sige na I'll organize my things pa. You better tell Jah na nakausap mo na 'ko. I don't want him worrying about me."

"Noted po, boss. Sige na, you take a rest, too. Bye, Cali."

"Bye." I ended the call and put my phone back on the countertop.

Isang linggo pa lang ang nakakalipas since I last saw my college friends but I can't deny na namimiss ko na rin sila.

I know it's toxic to just leave without a proper explanation to my friends but I can't afford to reason to more than one person right now. The past weeks have drained me more than I think I'm capable of. 

I'm at war with myself. And I'm trying to fix that before I start a war with the people around me, too.

I'm aware that ignoring it won't make anything in my life better, I know that. I just need a little more time to prepare and to breathe some fresh air.

I made a promise to myself na mag-uumpisa ulit ako. And to start, I need to be alone first. I will fix myself alone. I will thrive alone.

After a huge decision in my life, nangako ako na I'll focus on myself, on my dreams, and on my goals. Wala munang distractions. Ako muna, sarili ko muna.