Unsound Voices

3

[Present]

I worry about the simple things, the most trivial things. It's difficult when you deal with it everyday.

It affects your tasks. It ruins your mood. It fucks up your mind. It doesn't let you sleep. It makes you irritable. It pounds on your chest. And it upsets you and everyone around you, but what can you do about it?

I can't control what I feel.

I can't just turn off my mind.

I can't say that it'll just be all okay, cause it isn't.

But someone told me, constantly reminded me, that it gets better.

I didn't believe him because he isn't in my shoes, he isn't the one feeling, and bearing, and suffering. He doesn't know. He wouldn't know.

But despite that, to my surprise, it truly gets better.

Because he made sure to make it better. He helped me get better.

When I told him then that I don't believe him, he only smiled and said that I just need to trust him, and he'll do the rest.

He fixed me. Not in a way that he made me perfect but he make it certain that I'll accept not being one, that I don't need to be one.

He's so good to me, and I trusted him. I became dependent, and he became my salvation.

And that is my fault.

Because the affliction that follows shattered me to too many pieces I was deemed beyond broken, and once again I'm lost.

A gentle shake on my body caused me to slowly open my eyes.

Sht. Nakatulog ako.

Ang mukha ni Kei ang bumungad sa'kin. Nandito kami sa library para magreview but it seems na natulog lang ako.

"Sorry Kei, ako ang nagyaya dito but I fell asleep." Dahan-dahan kong bigkas to makes sure na nababasa niya ang labi ko. 

Kei looks at me like he's wondering about something. Maybe I speak a little too fast?

Kinuha niya naman ang phone niya at mabilis na nagtype doon.

"You looked like you didn't get any sleep for the past week." It reads nang ipakita niya sa'kin ang phone niya.

Is it that obvious?

"I was busy studying." Pagdadahilan ko.

His disapproved expression already told me na hindi siya naniniwala.

"Don't lie to my face." I know he wouldn't buy that.

I sighed. It's true that I barely get any sleep this past week. Well marami talaga kaming readings pero hindi dahil don ang pagpupuyat ko. I've been having a lot of dreams lately at tuwing nagigising ako ay nahihirapan na 'kong matulog ulit.

That's why I feel so restless.

"You okay?" Napangiti naman ako sa nabasa ko.

It's been 2 months since Kei and I met, that's the day before the start of the semester. His full name is Keishita Tanaka and he's half Japanese. Parehas rin kaming 1st year Psychology students, which is a huge coincidence. What are the odds, right?

Ever since that day ay hindi ko na rin tinantanan si Kei, I always go with him. Noong una ay medyo iwas pa rin talaga siya, but I'm too persuasive kaya wala na rin siyang nagawa.

And now here we are, supposedly studying in the library but I chose to slack off.

"Don't mind me, Kei. I'm just really tired." I smiled at him to assure na okay lang ako.