𝓙𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓶𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽

Talk.

Ok we need to talk.

Or better put it, I need to talk.

Relationships platonic and romantic have been faltering for the past few years to "situation-ships" and one sided relationships. This might be controversial but hear me out. As a person who dealt with break ups and cut offs over the span of less than three months, I am honestly more disappointed than just mad. I feel like it should be talked about more than it already is because it's to the point that people like me get literally depressed over this type of stuff.

It feels like I'm just a rag doll being tossed around for people to toy with, but not to keep. There's a difference between wanting someone to play, and someone to stay. Love platonic and romantic will be painful. But at least make the person feel welcome and loved until you can't anymore. Instead of fleeing the moment something goes wrong.

Sometimes all a person needs is company. And sometimes all company needs is a person. In my school I see people one day walking with their friends and lover all giggly and happy, and the other day they're fighting. That's just how my recent relationships were. And I'm guilty that I let that happen to me. They talked behind my back, they put their hands on me, they insulted me. All this stuff, and I gave them nothing but grace and respect. And I was the blame when I was in my room crying myself to sleep on the sunday night of February 11th 2024.

I put my all into them. All my money, all my art, all my time, all my love, all my life. Hell, it was to the point where I couldn't go a day without him. That's how bad it was. It was a point where I couldn't even eat and take care of myself without him on my mind. Looking back at it, I feel pretty pathetic, but of course, I couldn't just say that to myself. I would need to learn from it.

Not my ex, not my money, not my friends, but me. Friends who knew each other for a week are laughing in the hallways, meanwhile a friends friend is telling me to get her packet that she left behind. Why am I the one who is getting hurt? I deserve love just like everyone else. Maybe it's my fashion? Maybe it's my personality? Maybe it's my body? Who knows. But that shouldn't be the reason why people leave me without any thought or explanation whatsoever. I should be angry. Livid even, fighting and insulting the people who hurt me just like they did to me.

I should be crying and lashing out at everyone because I was the one who was hurt. That should make me sit in my room and not take care of myself. That should make me have 0 restraint with my emotions, like I used to. But I choose not to. I choose not to let my emotions get the best of me, like I used to. Don't get me wrong I wish things were different. I wish I had a loving boyfriend and a fun group of friends. But at the end of the day, all I have is myself. And I learned that the hard way. Relationships are a sacred thing.

Especially to the ones that feel large emotions, especially to the ones who are passionate. especially to the ones like me. When I was little and to this day, the doctor said that I'm emotionally mature, meaning that I have a good grasp at explaining and expressing my emotions. When I was in elementary school, I was taunted for that, being called a cry baby, or sensitive for hurting myself on the monkey bars or something. Because of that, I stayed away from anything that would actively hurt me, like needles or sharp edges. Ever since then I have learned to keep my emotions under control, or under wraps.

Take my control as a glass. And take my emotions as wine. If you pour too much into the glass. It'll break. But not just that. It'll break and spill. That's what always happened to me when I was younger. Of course, I have better control because I'm more mature. But it's not like my emotions are gone. They're just better handled. I'm also what my father likes to call it, passionate. That means that when I get attached to something or some emotion. I latch onto it like a koala on a branch. And I don't let go. If you show me an ounce of love or affection, then I will cling to you.

Especially if it's romantic. And it shows. If I love someone, I will talk about them whether it's verbally, writing or drawing it down, or just floating my mind. And that will just make me more attached, like a dopamine hit. Like a drug.

He was a drug.

And it's my fault that I got addicted. It was my fault that the drug was forced away from me. It was my fault that the drug was taken from me. But was it my fault that the drug was bad?? No. But that doesn't excuse my actions. The upside to me being passionate is me being self aware about the situation. Sure, I cried and cried about him for days, but I eventually paused and went through what he did to me. And I eventually realized that he wasn't good for me.

At all.

But I'll give him this.

He was a good lesson.

And I'm glad I learned from it.

This might not make any sense to the people that never had this happen to them, mostly children or immature 12 year olds, but it will make sense. People shouldn't feel forced or compelled to make people feel better. My father told me this: Find happiness in yourself. Never look for others to make you happy. That is whats called a vice. A vice is a type of thing that you are likey addicted or attached to that you shouldnt be. Examples of this are drugs, sex, money/wealth,lust, games, tv, etc.

I always had a vice. Those were the need for love or self worth. And that was my downfall. I looked for any type of love in every corner, and I found it, but not the type of the love I wanted or needed. 

So here I am, writing romance novels in my room and letting my mind wander while listening to Summer Walker with my pink led lights illuminating the dark room. Wishing that I was treated better. Wishing that I was loved more than I am now. Wishing that I didn't always have to come to my busy family to hang out with me. Wishing that I had better confidence. Wishing that I had better looks. Wishing that I had a better personality. And of couse:

Fanstizing about my life in the future.

Will it be better? Will it be worse? Or will it be "meh".

I'm rambling.

But I do have one more thing to say.

My father told me to not fight all battles, but to pick the ones you want to fight. But how about if the battles pick me? Am I supposed to surrender? Or am I obligated to just keep fighting?  Because if I am, will I win in the end? ☙