Ever After (ONC 2024)

Chapter 10 - Uninvited Guests Are Not Welcome

"Are you kidding me right now?" Arthur flung his hands in the air. "Bears??? What's next? Elephants that also happen to eat people?"

"You need to calm down," Goldilocks said.

"Calm down?" Arthur shouted. "In case you hadn't noticed, we broke into their house! You smashed one of their windows! I don't think they're going to be happy about that! Plus they've got razor sharp claws and teeth! Not to mention bears are quite muscular. And there are three of them! We can't overpower three bears!"

"One of them looks like he's just a cub, if that helps," Gretel said. "The other two are full grown adults though."

"That might be even worse!" Arthur said. "They get protective when they feel like their cubs are threatened. And I don't know about you, but I find home intruders pretty threatening!"

"Would you guys mind keeping it down?" Hamlet called from upstairs. "I'm trying to sleep here."

"Did anyone notice if there's a back door?" Arthur asked. "We can always try the old tried and true plan of running away."

"There's only the front door and the window I broke to get in here," Goldilocks said. "It's right next to the door, so I don't think we're going to be able to sneak out that way. We're just going to have to talk our way out of this."

Arthur was about to raise his objections to this plan, but the point quickly became moot when the bears simply walked into the house.

"What's with all the broken glass?" the biggest bear said.

"What's with the broken chair?" the next biggest one said.

"Who are those people?" the bear cub asked while pointing towards the kitchen.

"Hi, I'm agent Goldie Lachs," she stepped forward and extended a hand as if looking for a shake. "These are my associates Agent Nerdman and Agent Littlegirl. Agent Porker is inspecting the upstairs area. We're from Prince Charming's Disaster Assistance Bureau and we're here to follow up after that calamitous earthquake hit the area. Looks like there was some minor property damage here. But how are you folks doing? Is everyone okay?"

"There was an earthquake?" the second biggest bear asked. She was presumably the bear cub's mother.

"That's funny," the large bear, most likely Papa, said. "We were just out for a little stroll and we didn't feel anything."

"Reports are that the effects were scattered and highly localized," Goldilocks said. "There's a good chance you were simply out of range."

"That doesn't sound like any earthquake I've ever heard of," Papa Bear said.

"There may have been some witchcraft involved," Arthur spoke up. "Or sorcery. Are those the same thing? Anyway, magic for sure."

Baby Bear had taken the opportunity to head over to the kitchen table while the adults were talking. "Hey! Someone ate all of my porridge!"

"That was probably earthquake related damage as well," Goldilocks said.

The adult bears let out audible growls.

"No, really," Goldilocks said. "It's a magical earthquake, remember? One of the effects of it seems to be making food disappear. Look, you don't need to give us the stink eye. Nothing shady is going on. We're just here on official business, okay?"

"I told you guys I'm trying to take a nap in the comfy bed," Hamlet said as he wandered down the staircase. "Can't you be quiet for, like, twenty minutes?"

"What kind of official business involves sleeping in our bed?" Mama Bear asked.

"Or eating our porridge?" Baby Bear whined. "I'm starving."

"These people must take us for a bunch of forest dwelling rubes," Papa Bear said. "Don't worry about the porridge, son. We've got a much better feast standing right here in front of us."

"There's still two bowls of porridge," Arthur pointed out. "Plenty to go around. I can supplement that with a little trail mix if you're still hungry. No need to jump straight to the eating people option."

"I think maybe we do need to jump to that option," Papa Bear said as he stretched out his paws, causing his claws to pop extra far out. "My daddy was killed by a bunch of trespassers. I hate trespassers. And you lot look like a bunch of trespassers to me."

"Did we mention that we thought that her grandmother lived here?" Arthur asked. "Clearly this whole thing is just a small misunderstanding and we can work something out. Do you guys like gold? I've got a gold coin in my pocket you can have if you just let us go peacefully."

"Mama, can we make pork chops for dinner tonight?" Baby Bear sniffed Hamlet and poked him a couple times in the tummy.

"Certainly, dear," Mama Bear said. "They can be a side dish to the human steaks."

"Once again I'd like to point out that porridge is both a tasty and nutritious option," Arthur said.

Papa Bear was about to say something in response, but he was interrupted by a loud knocking at the door.

"LITTLE PIG, LITTLE PIG, LET ME IN!" a familiar voice called from outside.

"Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!" Hamlet shouted back. "Sorry, automatic response. Can't help myself."

"THEN I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF AND I'LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN!"

"Does he not see the broken window?" Arthur wondered. "Why go to all that trouble?"

Papa Bear flung the door open and stared at the wolf. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the Big Bad Wolf said. "Is there a little pig in there?"

"There might be," Papa Bear said. "What concern is it of yours?"

"Oh, well, I was planning on eating him for supper," the wolf replied. "Would you mind sending him out here? His friends, too, if you don't mind. They also look tasty."

"Yes, I would mind," Papa Bear said. "My son said he wants pork chops for dinner and I've got my eye on the nerdy human. So I'm afraid you're going to have to be on your way."

"Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to huff and puff and blow your house in," the wolf said.

"Are you threatening me?" Papa Bear growled. "I don't take kindly to threats. And neither does my wife." Mama bear's hackles raised as she stepped up to her husband's side.

"It's not a threat, it's a promise," the wolf said as he started inhaling a big lungful of air.

"You'd better let go of that breath right now," Papa Bear said as he walked out the door and advanced on the wolf. Mama Bear was hot on his tail and Baby Bear trailed after to watch.

"Who do you think would win in a fight between a wolf and a couple of bears?" Hamlet asked.

"I don't know," Arthur said. "I don't think we should stick around to find out. Come on, let's get out of here while they're all distracted."

"Okay," Hamlet said. "But I'm taking these other two bowls of porridge with me. They might not be the perfect temperature, but I've never let that stop me before."