✮ ᗴᗰO ᗷOY ✮ //Johnnie Guilbert x F!Reader//

|Chapter Twelve|

!!WARNING!! This chapter contains extremely sensitive content. Such as: SH, depression, body image issues. If that makes you uncomfortable or triggers you, please skip.

And please remember that you are loved, you are awesome, you are worthy, you are beautiful, and you are cared for.

Stay strong bugaboos 🖤

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I was spending the next couple days with Johnnie, planning on just spending as much time together as possible. I was having a rough day mentally and just wanted to spend time with Johnnie, but he was busy editing a video.

I lay back on the bed, hanging my head off to look at Johnnie. "Baby, I'm bored." Johnnie laughs softly "I know love, we'll be able to watch a movie soon I promise." He smiles softly at me, before turning back to his work. I groan, rolling onto my stomach. I grab my phone to check Instagram, scrolling through my feed.

I come across a post about Johnnie, and I check the comments. Almost all of the comments are talking about how attractive he is, and I feel a pit form in my stomach. "Hey Johnnie." He turns to me "Yeah?" I rest my chin in my hand "Are you ever going to tell your fans about us?"

Johnnie smiles softly at me "Of course I will love. I just wanna wait a little." He tilts his head to the side. I smile at him and nod, and he turns back to his work. I go back to scrolling through Instagram.

I come across a post Tara made, and I can't help but smile. Tara is absolutely stunning, and I wish I looked like her. My smile pretty quickly fades, and I find myself starting to critique my own body.

I sit up, placing my phone down beside me. Johnnie looks over at me "You ok?" I nod "Yeah, just bored." He smiles and goes back to his work. My mind begins to wander, and I begin to overthink things.

What if he gets bored of me too? What if I mess up? How long will it take until he's disappointed in me too? Am I enough? Does he think I'm ugly too? What if he's just pretending?

I feel like crying, and my chest feels tight. I stand up, deciding to hide in the bathroom for a bit because I don't want to bother Johnnie. I sit down on the floor, pulling my knees to my chest. I silently cry into my hands, beginning to hyperventilate.

I feel stupid for even thinking like that, which only makes me beat myself up more.

Johnnie could have anyone he wants, so why me? It's not like I'm all that pretty, and it's not like he doesn't have thousands of people wanting him, so why me? Is it all out of pity?

I stand up, wiping my tears. I open one of the drawers under the sink, and pull out an old razor I'd taken apart and hidden. I stand there for awhile in front of the mirror, staring at myself with the razor blade in hand.

I sit with my back against the tub, and press the cold blade to the skin of my wrist. I make several cuts, some deeper than others. I do the same to my thigh, before putting the blade down.

I sit on the floor like that, just letting the blood run. I lay my hand at my side, and lean back against the tub. I stare up at the ceiling, feeling the tears streaming down my cheeks.

I sniffle, wiping my tears. I stand up and put the blade back in the drawer, before washing my hands and pulling my sleeves down. I also pull my shorts down a bit, to cover up the rest of the cuts.

I take a deep breath, and walk back to Johnnie's room. When I walk in, Johnnie is sitting on the bed on his phone. Johnnie turns to me smiles "Hey baby. Where'd you go?" I sit down next to him, forcing a smile.

"I just went to get some water and got distracted." He laughs softly, pulling me towards him. "Of course you did." He comments, kissing the top of my head. I keep pulling my shorts down, to make sure the cuts don't show.

Johnnie rests his hand on my thigh, smiling down at me. The pressure of his hand on the cuts hurts, and I smile back at him as I choke back the pain. He gently squeezes my thigh, making me wince.

He gives me a confused look, and I laugh nervously. "Just a bruise, I'm ok." He gives me a suspicious look, but nods. He looks through Netflix trying to find a good movie to watch, and I nervously play with the sleeves of my shirt.

Johnnie stops, placing the remote in his lap. He turns to face me, a serious look on his face. "What's wrong?" His question surprises me a bit, I thought I was hiding it well but I guess not.

"What do you mean?" I force a smile, trying to play it off. Johnnie sighs, his expression turns soft. "Y/n. You've been off all day, and especially since you got back from the bathroom." He takes both of my hands in his "What's wrong?"

I feel my smile falter, and I feel my chest tighten. I can't stop the tears from coming, and I fall into Johnnie's arms. He holds me tightly, resting his head against mine. "Talk to me my love, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry! I couldn't help it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" He squeezes me tightly, rubbing my back. "You don't have to apologize for anything." I can feel his breath is shaky, and I look up to see him crying too.

Johnnie smiles softly at me, wiping my tears. I sniffle, squeezing him tightly. He takes my hands in his, gently and slowly rolling up my sleeves. He gently runs his fingers along the cuts, sighing quietly.

"Will you let me help you clean them up at least?" He gently squeezes my hands, and I nod. He goes to the bathroom to get the first aid kit, and I patiently wait on the bed. He comes back, and sets the kit beside me.

He takes out the alcohol pads and wipes the cuts, making me wince. "I'm sorry love, I'll try to be quick." He finishes up, and puts some neosporin on them. He finishes up by wrapping my arm in gauze wrap, and tapes it together carefully.

Johnnie takes both of my hands in his, and gently kisses them. I cup his cheeks with my hands, and smile softly at him. He leans into my touch, and pulls me closer to him by my waist.

"You're so beautiful, y/n. Seriously." Johnnie looks up at me, his tone soft and gentle. "I absolutely adore you, and everything you do." His comments make my heart skip several beats, and I laugh softly.

"I'm serious." He looks into my eyes "I love you." He smiles softly, and I feel like I'm about to start crying again. "You do?" He laughs softly, standing up. He cups my cheeks and smiles down at me

"I do. I love you so much." I start to cry, and he kisses me softly. "I love you too." I wrap my arms around him, burying my face in his chest. He squeezes me gently, running his fingers through my hair.

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Hey bugaboos!

I know this chapter was a bit more serious, and I hope it wasn't too much.

How was your day? I hope it was well :)

Even if it wasn't, that's ok! Just remember to hang in there, it'll get better 🖤