Celebrations were in full swing at the Seaside Hut- a big outdoor bar close to the beach, just a minute's walk from our wedding hall.
After I got out of that awfully painful dress and into a flowy beach skirt and top with regular flip-flops, pulling on my glasses, I felt like myself again. Like the facade was over.
I deliberately avoided Milo on the other side of the hut, choosing to stay close to Alani and entertaining some of my family.
I sat on a stool at the bartop, Alani right next to me, the breeze caressing her hair as she spoke with one of her Aunts'.
I cradled my hand, rubbing my thumb along the red mark Milo had left as we recited our 'I do's'. Dusk was fast approaching as the golden rays of the sunset slowly retreated. I fixated on the ocean, on the horizon and imagined this is what my life was turning into; the darkness slowly creeping around me, losing sight of myself.
''Here, drink up,'' Alani twirled around to me, a cold glass in hand with a slice of pineapple stuck on the rim. I eyed it suspiciously.
''Don't worry, it's a mocktail. I wouldn't want my sis-in-law getting drunk on her first night,'' she giggled. ''Although it may be pretty helpful.''
I smiled dimly and took it from her, peeling the pineapple off and sucking the juice before eating it.
''Thanks,'' I said solemnly. ''And don't call me that, it's weird,'' I stated matter of fact.
As much as I wanted to pretend I was fine, I had enough acting for today and was done hiding behind a face of false happiness. Alani made me feel comfortable and safe, masking my feelings around her wasn't very efficient. That was one of the many things I found charming about her.
Sometimes I wondered if she secretly knew how I felt about her all these years and yet both siblings kept me around regardless. I studied her face as I took a sip of the fresh juice.
She got serious and excused herself and me from the bar.
''Come, let's go to the shore before it gets too dark,'' she said.
She walked ahead of me, her sheer, red wrap skirt exposing her black bikini underneath. I couldn't prevent my stare from dropping straight to her dainty, round asscheeks, sculpted from years of pilates classes I most definitely couldn't afford.
I chugged some more of my cold drink while grabbing hers and followed with quick strides.
We walked side by side in silence for a couple of minutes, welcoming the cool breeze of the incoming nightfall.
Alani was a little tipsy. She always got a bit zen when the alcohol set in. This evening she was a primordial nymph of the ocean, opening her arms wide and embracing the ambience around us. She shut her eyes and stumbled a few times, kicking sand and snickering to herself.
Without doing much, she had already lightened my mood dramatically.
''So Kaia, how do you feel?'' She finally asked me as we rounded out of sight of the bacchanal we left behind.
I snorted to myself.
''I don't know, honestly. How am I supposed to feel?'' I looked at her sadly. She became concerned.
''Well... I'm not sure. I've never been married before,'' She shrugged her shoulders meekly. ''But I'd figure you'd feel something.''
''Alani, I...,'' I looked down, embarrassed at feeling so vulnerable around her. ''I don't know your brother like that. He's always been a good friend, he's handsome and a good person-'' I fisted my sore hand gently as I laid my eyes on it again. ''But I don't know if there will ever be passion or, or love. Wouldn't I have felt something before all this if that was the case?'' I laid it all out in defeat.
