Things I wanted to Say (but didn't)

8

🌻📚☀️

•Ariana Brooks•

Summer was all that mattered to us when it wasn't summer we would hardly talk and only see each-other at cheer practice but once summer began the sun was the only thing on our minds. I basically had a room in Margo's house by summer of 2021 and it never changed the years after that. Margo's parents weren't home most days. She said it was because during the summer they go on a lot of business trips so I think she liked having me there. I filled the void of her parents while they were away. During the summers I would wake up early and make myself breakfast, most mornings I would have two waffles. Then I would sit out by the pool and read. I like shoving my face in books to drain out how miserable my real life may seem. I wish for the world that lays on the page in front of me to come true most times. Around noon a hangover Margo in a bikini would plop down in the sun chair next to the one I'm sitting. She would whine about how she wish she didn't drink as much as she did and how her head hurts before picking up the nearest liquor bottle and basically downing it. She was almost always in a bikini during the summer I don't think she owned any other types of bathing suit. Her black sunglasses blocked the smudge eyeliner and makeup she slept in the night before. She loves tanning in the sun and showing off her body. I would too if I had one like hers. She was so perfect. I always joked with her when she would drink and say how drinking makes you fat, hoping she would put a pause on her intake in alcohol knowing her body means everything to her, but she would only joke back and mention how if she saw herself gaining weight she would just skip a meal of two. I would laugh and joke around with her but then slowly started to do it. It started with breakfast, it was so easy because Margo was asleep and no one was telling me to eat, then lunch Margo barely ate lunch so I just decided that if she can skip it, I can too. Dinner was the easiest. I would always say how I had a big lunch and Margo being too drunk by dinner time to remember lunch didn't mention. I wanted Margo's body, I wish I could look as effortlessly as she could. I started wearing more two pieces, some makeup which surprised Margo most because I never wore make up and I would start casually drinking, I didn't pick up smoking at the time I couldn't understand why she liked it, now that's changed. I became so in love with her that I didn't know if I wanted to be with her or wanted to be her. I constantly denied the fact that I liked Margo more than a friend. Something in me wouldn't allow myself to come to terms with the fact. I still don't know why. I guess maybe deep down I didn't think she could ever like someone like me. I was the class straight A student, I tried so hard to be perfect, I was cheer team captain and she was the complete opposite. I was just a girl who played the saxophone in band. I had a couple of friends that I had known for forever I wasn't out there and I was quiet but for some reason when I was with her, I became a completely different person. She didn't know the person I was when I wasn't with her, which a part of me liked, and the other part of me hated who I was when I was with her. She made me hate myself.