𝐒𝐀𝐏𝐈𝐎𝐏𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐄.

𝐒𝟏:𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐃𝐄 𝟒 - "LOSING MY COOL"

@THE𝐅𝐄𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐑𝐘𝐄 ORIGINAL

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-␈🕷️
𝐊𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐀𝐋𝐀 𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐁𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐓𝐓
[North Texas State Hospital, Vernon]

I don't know who the fuck that was, I thought as I continued walking into my room. I saw him all the years I have been here and honestly didn't give two shits about it.

I hope he doesn't become a problem for us.

His ass got lucky with putting his hands on you.

LMFAO.

I walked to my bed where I had my journal on the window sill next to my bed. I began writing, and the voices eventually left.

'Cause I'm trying, but I can't lie'

'I'm losing my cool (I'm losing my cool)'

'I'm losing my cool'

Dear Me Friday 2.13.2024

I'm drained from continuing like this. I want to get better. I want to stop doing this to myself, to stop hearing the voices, to have control over myself. I want to figure out what life is and what is out there. I hate that I'm like this, but I can't help it. Not after they put me through so much.

I feel like I need to improve. It's difficult to manage the voices and regain control of myself. I long to understand the meaning of life and explore what the world has to offer. I dislike the way I am, but it's not something I can easily change after all I have been through.

'Life as a youth'

'Trying to find balance'

'Life of a youngin''

'Tryna balance my pain became my struggle'

'I was already deep off in my thoughts and feeling funny.'

How can I turn around and never think of the actions they've done to me? For so many years, I felt unseen, unheard.

'How ones that I love the most just can't keep it a hundred'

How can you find peace but be trapped in a mind that brings you hell?

How can you make it out of something when nothing is bringing you up? Uplifting you?

I struggle with trying to do something that keeps the voices from invading my mind. And it's hard. I hope soon I can find out.

I hope I can find out what peace feels like.

I hope I can find out what finding a sanctuary feels like to be calm.

These thoughts I always felt like I wouldn't be heard if I did say them out loud.

As I closed my journal and put it under my mattress, I started to put my shoes back on and go out my room door. I wanted to go to the library to get another book to read since I finished my last one.

In the past, I used to find solace in reading books. Whenever I picked up a book, I could feel myself getting lost in the story, almost as if I was a part of it. It was a comforting feeling, one that I always longed for whenever life seemed overwhelming. Books kept me sane for a time. I could read a book and go into another dimension and feel comfort in it.

As I turned the lock using the key I got from the dead nurse, I began to walk down the hall on my way to the library. But I came to a stop seeing one of the room doors open and blood spilling from it.

As my eyes started to lift up, I saw him.

He looked like he was in a vulnerable state but also had anger in his eyes. We stared at each other for what felt like a long time. Until I finally spoke.

"I guess I ain't the only crazy one, huh?" I lifted my eyebrow in amusement as I saw his shoe dripped with blood and a lady's head almost being disfigured, looking smashed.

AUTHOR NOTE: I know this chapter was short asf

Okay y'all prolly like why df did I ghost yall , BTCH im going through a break up 😒well it's not rlly a breakup more of I miss my ex but anyways I wanna finish this story so hopefully I get the motivation 🤦🏽‍♀️.

Please give me feedback on anything !! I definitely have loved seeing you guys comments.

- THEFEMALELIRYE