The Intergalactic Watchers of Dangerous Things

Chapter 13 - Accused, Attacked and Not Amused

There was a small segment of Earth's population that wasn't thrilled by our pro-earth, anti-corruption and pro-life for Dangerous Things advertising campaign. You, dear reader, are obviously intelligent enough to figure out who those nincompoops were. Eliza was called before the Earth delegation to the Intergalactic Council of Worlds. I accompanied her, disguising myself as a large handbag made of rabbit fur. Amber stayed at the library, training the witches' football teams in the new (old, really) games and rules.

She smirked when she spotted Beta 4's Zzzobu in the observers' gallery. All meetings were open to the public. It had been that way for almost a millennium, in the call from its members for greater transparency. Usually, it established a better understanding of the organization and its policies. I hoped today would be yet another such shining example.

On the delegation were Lord Highbottom XXIII from Greater Britain; Mlle. Eva Lynne Hailenfarewell, of the Democratic Republic of Western Europe; and Xi-Jumphong-Rasputin of the People's Co-op of Eastern Europe. His Highness Billy Joe Davis of the Kingdom of the Americas was absent with a bad case of Covid 2001. (He was not expected to survive.)

"Mrs. Lunavicuna, we are here today..." began the AI facsimile the ICW's leader, Sam Munn Phillay of Aquatica 12.

"Miss," Eliza stated.

"Excuse me? Old woman with the funny outfit, is it? What's the matter?"

I could hear Zzzobu groan in the background. Eliza began grumbling rather rudely, and then stopped when she realized she was probably about to say something she'd later regret.

"My name is Miss Lunavicuna, if you please."

"Noted. Miss Lunavicuna if you please, we are here today to officially condemn you for your ad campaign against our partner, the Outer Space Sports Society. Furthermore..."

"On what grounds?" Eliza said, calmly.

There was a short pause before the AI responded with, "We beg your pardon?"

Eliza sighed, and spoke clearly. "On what grounds do you condemn our ad campaign? It isn't anti-OSSS, it's pro-Earth. Nothing that we state is a lie, therefore it cannot, by definition, be slanderous."

Eliza paused. The AI paused. Then it backed up to continue.

"...condemn you for your ad campaign against our partner, friend and ally..."

"Oh Great and Wise, Gloriously Finned Leader, Samm Munn Phillay, has no one briefed you on the history behind this, or told you what this friend and ally has said and wishes to do to Earth? May we assist you, O Wise One, in reviewing the facts?"

Phillay paused. (This was an excellent sign. It meant she'd broken through his slow-moving fish brain and appealed to his pride and reputation of being well-informed. His handlers were probably sweating...metaphorically speaking.) "You may approach me," the ICW leader said at last.

"My lord," said the Crustacean attendant, "This is highly irregular. Miss Lunavicuna and her cohorts are accused of crimes, slanders and the creation of super-memes and contagious jingles detrimental to the OSSS and its employees, not to mentions its universal business dealings."

Phillay raised himself out of his home world's water and retorted, "Miss Lunavicuna and her fellow accused are entitled to the same rights and privileges as any other backwater world. Just because they've pissed off those greedy basses at the OSSS doesn't mean we have to leap to protect our partners. This is a whirlpool of their own making."

"May I remind my Lord Phillay that the OSSS now owns all our debts. They own us."

"What dull-scaled bottom feeder made that decision?"

Zzzobu shouted from the back, "You did!"

"I rescind that..." were the last things the AI bot ever relayed, as a laser pistol made quick work of its machinery. I spotted the culprit immediately – a painfully stupid assassin from Antares 43. Seems King Qlbinkus didn't appreciate my consumption of his rotten offspring that had hurt Eliza. More assassins showed up and the delegation panicked.

After rendering the original culprit senseless, Eliza asked that I transport the delegation to West Throckmorton first, and then to their individual destinations. I was happy to oblige. En route I learned that there were no ICW 'annual fees' – they were 'daily' fees! The lines were in exceptionally fine print, and the fees were never discussed, nor asked for. The debt would only be revealed when the ICW required something from a member.

Amber reminded the delegation that they now owed their very lives to us. There was no arguing that fact, but she assured them that saving their lives was the right thing to do – it wasn't done with the idea that there would be repayment with future favors. However, returning them to their homes, well – that was different.

They would be brought home only if every one of them agreed to forgive all 'fees' to all members and remove the fine print from every single existing contract. This solved two problems. First, the OSSS would have no legal standing on ownership of Planet Earth. Second, the OSSS would no longer claim financial ownership of the ICW debts, because there were no debts.

It was here that Eva Hailenfarewell dropped the bomb: the money received by the ICW from the OSSS as payment for those debts had already been spent. On what, Eliza asked them. What could possibly require so much money? None of the ICW members said a word. Amber knew, though.

That put the ICW and all its members in peril. What to do? Amber made the OSSS an offer that they couldn't refuse. One that appealed to their most basic motivations. One they couldn't resist. You see, there was one sport that the OSSS had not introduced. It had been dismissed as a dangerous and potentially conflict-engendering endeavor. But the techno-mage planet had begun developing the science necessary for success. That sport was Racing. Space Racing for Treasure. Sleek, fully equipped ships built for speed and exploration.

Money and greed are great motivators for any race. But the opportunities for cheating were so great, the OSSS agreed immediately. It didn't cancel the deathball match between our witches and the bloodthirsty 'athletes', but it did cancel the fate of the Earth and the Dangerous Things. The winners of that match would get a 12-hour head start on the Treasure Race.