Movieland

Chapter 30

The dissolve happened fast. I grabbed everyone. We were there and not, a blink into reappearance in a dark conference room. Glass windows lit it from the outside. There were papers and specs and plans for an attack. I didn't have to read them. I'd seen this scene a hundred times.

"Feels sort of like a full body massage with tiny hatchets," Standard said.

Applewhite said, "That's not at all what it feels like."

"I agree with the massage," Mr. Stowe said. "Although I've always thought it was more like getting rolled through a pasta machine."

"Quaid is coming," I said. "Duck."

"Too late," Standard said.

The door opened. Quaid's assistant Naomi (Courtney Cox) strode in with a sheaf of papers clutched to her chest. Her hair was cropped short like in the Dancing in the Dark video. Not enough people gave her credit for her performance. In her limited scenes, she either carried or was co-champion. There was no combatting Boothe at his most fierce. To hold her own was a feat. Her nastiness helped her get an audition for Gale Weathers in Scream. I watched a documentary once where Wes Craven said, "You can see a million performances and never experience the tension she creates in Death to the Dead."

Naomi set the papers carefully on the table. "I know Qwin. Who are the rest of you?"

Two men followed her into the room: Lazlo Sweany, the scientist in charge of chemical treatments to the corpses; and Murray Slovek, aka Sergeant Slaughter. Lazlo was a role written for Robert Carradine but played by Heath Flaxenberg due to scheduling conflicts. Both men were buck toothed and nerdy as all get up. This Lazlo eyeing us like food for his zombies had far less personality. It was a good thing for an audience. Not so much the characters.

Slaughter was played by Sgt. Slaughter, the WWE wrestler of the same name. He wore a camouflage shirt under a black singlet, a whistle around his neck, and a large flat Smokey the Bear hat. He blew the whistle in the wrestling ring but chewed on it in the movie like an anxious tic. The man was a mountain covered in flesh.

"It's okay, it's okay," Standard said, standing up. His southern accent had improved and nearly sounded like his original performance. "I just wanted to show them around the facility. Quaid said it's cool."

"I don't remember saying a damn thing," Quaid said. His voice preceded him like a roll of thunder from outside the door. He ducked under the doorway and stepped into the room with the aura of a demon knight. His sharp gray suit had skull and crossbones pinned to the lapel.

"What's he doing?" Mr. Stowe said urgently.

Outside the office, red lab-coated personnel rushed around. The next scene was Lazlo showcasing his newly programmed corpses by having one devour an employee who had attempted to smuggle information from the lab. They all knew it was coming and didn't want to underperform on Quaid's request.

"Believing?" I said.

There was the slimmest chance that Standard could act us to safety. His last role was in Mrs. X's contest video where he introduced concession snacks. Before that it was a EUCRISA commercial. And before that the failed Rom Com Love You to Death. One review called him "as wooden as a thrift store rocking horse. You can't see the good through the forest in this performance." Another said, "Rock bottom called. It wants its 1990s action star back."

"Brother!" Standard said with a smile. He walked over to Quaid like a man named Sgt. Slaughter didn't exist. Slaughter eagled-eyed the exchange.

Naomi stepped in front of Quaid.

"It's okay," Quaid said, amused by his little brother.

Standard opened his arms and gave his movie brother a hearty hug. He poured it on with a kiss to the cheek. Quaid took a red pocket square from his front pocket and wiped his cheek.