Leave me to Die

1

When I wake up first, blinking in the early sunlight, the other side of the bed is cold. I stretch out, searching for his warmth, but I find only the scratchy, faded sheets. I sigh into the pillow and sit up slowly, stretching my back out, my arms flexing above my head. He's there at the end of the bed, mewling hungrily, waiting for me to give him his breakfast.

He eyes me watchfully as I slide carefully out of bed and tread silently across the cracked floorboards, praying I won't get any splinters in the bottom of my feet. I shake his bowl and he comes running into the kitchen. I pour out a generous amount of kibble and set it on the back steps. I boil the kettle while he eats, brewing a pot of coffee carefully. 

"Y/n?" I hear his voice from behind me, and turn around. He's standing in the doorway, arms folded across his chest. "Mornin', Dare" I say quietly. I can see the lines of worry etched across his face that's aged beyond his years. "It'll be fine. We'll all be fine" I'm convincing myself as well as him. He just looks at me. 

"Y/n? I'm scared......" I hear him whisper from behind me. I turn around, my heart shattering. I reach for Pony, and he falls into my arms. I hold him tight against my chest. He's shaking, the poor thing. It's only his second Reaping. I will myself to steady my heartbeat, as he can clearly hear it, and I know that'll just make him even more frightened. "Shh Pony, I've got you, baby. You're okay" I calm him gently, stroking one hand over his soft brown hair slowly. I can't help but notice that my tone is laced with an edge of panic and a small bit of fear too. Darry hears it as well. He looks at me, brow furrowed, and meets my eye.

I nod once at him. "You'll be fine, sweetheart. Go on and get dressed, there's my Ponyboy. Chin up, hmm?" I smile down at him, cupping one of his tear-stained cheeks in my cold hand. I lean down to where the top of his head barely brushes my breasts, and press a quick kiss to his forehead. He scurries off, drying his eyes, and goes into his bedroom.

"I'll keep him safe, Darry. Don't worry" I say with steely resolve. I straighten my posture. Ponyboy is the youngest of us. He can't die. Then again, none of us can. But there's always that tiny possibility, however small, that we'll be heading into the arena this year. Dallas swans out of my bedroom, yawning widely. As always, he's unbothered by Reaping Day. It's his second last, just today and next year to get through, and then he's free of the possibility of fighting to the death forever. It's the same for me. And for Steve and Soda. Johnny has two years still, not counting today, and today is Two-Bit's last Reaping. 

Darry's last was almost 2 years ago, but he has to sit and watch the rest of us, see us through Reaping Day year after year. And he'll still be doing the exact same thing until Ponyboy's last Reaping ends. Assuming he's made it that far. But I don't want to think about that.

"Thanks for sharin' last night, y/n" Dally yawns again. "That's okay. Least I could do, given the circumstances" I raise an eyebrow at him, keeping my tone level. "How many times is your name in today?" I ask.

He goes still at that, and then sighs. "35. How many's yours?" He's signed up for tesserae this year, just like last, and every year before that.

"42" I answer. "Signed up for extra this year. Didn't want this lot to starve, if worst should come to worst" I jerk my head at Darry. Dally clicks his tongue.

"I shoulda been the one to take extra, it's my responsibility to-" I cut him off.

"We're the same age, Dally. And I have every right to take as much tesserae as I want. It's as much my responsibility as anyone else's" I reply. Dallas sighs again, and runs a hand through his messy hair. "Just don't wanna lose someone else" he says quietly, looking at the floor.

"You're not losing anyone. Don't say that" I can't help the definite note of fear that creeps into my tone as my voice raises. I drop it to a whisper. "Don't say that......."

Dallas pours himself a mug of coffee and goes out on the front porch to smoke a few joints in his own bubble of solitude. I turn back to Darry. "Get dressed for work. I'll take care of them, make sure they're all up on time and presentable. I'll have them in the square early, if I can. I won't let you down Darry, I promise" I pull him into a quick hug, which he returns, and he goes down the hall into his room to get changed. I stick my head out the front door to talk to Dally briefly.

"Finish that, and then inside and get dressed, quick-sharp" I nod at his cigarette and half empty mug, and withdraw back inside. I go into Ponyboy's room, where him and Soda are fully dressed and giving themselves a quick once-over in the bathroom. "Try not to look too greaser-ish, alright? It's Reaping Day, not a rave" I'm pedantic about everything today. I'm a bit on edge.

Soda nods solemnly at me. I hold his gaze a moment longer, and then back out of the room, shutting the door behind me. I don't bother knocking as I go into the spare bedroom and am faced with Two-Bit asleep on the carpet, tangled up in his clothes, which are half off. Steve and Johnny are practically on top of each other in the single bed. I advance farther into the room and yank the curtains open. Sunlight spills into the room, lighting the place up. 

"Come on, get up. It's Reaping Day, and one of us could very well receive a death sentence today. Out of bed. Two-Bit, get up. All of you, showered, fully dressed, and hair brushed and combed in 10 minutes. I want to see the three of you in the living room by half past, and not a moment later"

I've lost it now. I've gone completely army commander on all of them, out of nervousness and worry for our own lives. 

"Oh, goddammit all to hell" I mutter to myself, burying my face in my hands for a moment. 

You can't let them see you. Not like this. Not here. Don't show your weakness even for a second. That's all they need to take advantage of you. 

And she's off. The little voice in my head I've nicknamed Prat, as she won't shut up and lives up to her name too much than I'd like to admit. 

Be quiet, you jackass. Not today. Not when it's this serious. This isn't another round of poker with our gang. This is life or death. This is the Hunger Games.