Ever After (ONC 2024)

Chapter 14 - Don't Mess With Things You Don't Understand

The table underneath them started rattling violently as they ran across it and treasures started toppling over. A jade sculpture of a woman that was twice as tall as Arthur tumbled to its side mere inches away from him and broke in half. He risked a glance over his shoulder and saw an absolute mountain of a man entering the room.

The giant had long, stringy red hair and a patchy beard that was a bright orange color. His nose was broad and streaked with bright red capillaries. His mouth hung slackly open revealing crooked yellow teeth and his face was covered with massive warts. He wore a green tunic and dirty brown pants, while his feet were bare. They were covered in fuzzy orange hair and his toenails were cracked and nearly as yellow as his teeth.

"FE FI FO FUM. I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A SCRAWNY HUMAN." The giant's voice reverberated throughout the room. "SHOW YOURSELF, INTRUDER. YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME, AND WHEN I FIND YOU I'LL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD."

They made it to the edge of the table, but Arthur quickly realized it was going to be harder to get down than it was to come up. Even if he could lower himself over the edge, he wasn't sure he could swing himself back to the table leg, and it looked like it would be a nasty fall to the floor below. He looked around desperately looking for something that might be of help when his eyes landed on Pinocchio. A vague idea suddenly occurred to him.

"Pinocchio!" he whispered. "Lean your head over the edge and look down at the floor and then start telling as many lies as you can think of!"

The puppet dropped to his hands and knees and stuck his head over the edge of the table. "Uh... I'm sorry. My mind has gone completely blank!"

"Oh, geez!" Arthur said. "It isn't that hard. "Look, have you ever gone snorkeling?"

"No," Pinocchio replied.

"Then say that you have!" Arthur hissed at him. "And then talk about how much you enjoy it. And if that's not enough, start naming off other activities you've never done."

""Okay, I think I've got it," Pinocchio said. "I've gone snorkeling many times and I really, really like it." His nose grew several inches.

"We need more length," Arthur said, looking over his shoulder again. The giant was peering underneath a chair near the other side of the room. It was only a matter of time before he came over to the table. "Tell more lies!"

"Uh, I really enjoy watching romantic comedies and I often cry at the end of them." Pinocchio's nose did not grow at all.

"That wasn't a lie, was it?" Arthur sighed.

"No, dang it," Pinocchio said. "I love romcoms.

"What about scary movies?" Arthur asked.

"No, I don't care for those too much," Pinocchio said.

"Then say that you do!" Arthur urged him.

"Okay. I love me some scary movies and I've never wet the bed after watching one." Pinocchio's nose grew a few feet after that one. It still only reached about halfway to the floor.

"We need more length in a hurry!" Arthur said. "You need to tell a real whopper!"

"Okay, I've got one," Pinocchio said. "This Arthur fellow here is the best looking guy I've ever met in my life and I'm super, super jealous of him. In fact, I wish I could be him."

The nose grew so fast, it hit the floor with a thud.

"I should probably take offense at that," Arthur said. "But there's no time. Come on, Hamlet, let's shimmy our way down his nose."

The giant had turned his attention to a desk in the other corner of the room. He had pulled a drawer open and was rifling through it, tossing papers over his shoulder haphazardly. Luckily, it seemed like although he was undeniably large, he didn't seem to be too bright.

The nose was pretty smooth around and Arthur ended up sliding down it like a fireman's pole. Hamlet reached the floor hot on his tail.

"Now how am I supposed to get down?" Pinocchio called from the table top.

"Jump! You're pretty light. Hamlet and I will catch you."

"It's a little awkward with my nose this long," Pinocchio whined.

"Surely you've told lies before," Arthur said. "How do you make your nose go back to normal afterwards?"

"Normally it kind of just shrinks back on its own after a couple hours," Pinocchio shrugged. "I guess if I really concentrate, I can sort of suck it back in."

"Well, do that!" Arthur said.

Pinocchio started shaking and then his nose started receding back upward. It was moving fairly quickly, but not fast enough to suit Arthur. When it was still a couple feet long he called up. "That's good enough for now! Go ahead and jump! We've got you."

Unfortunately, they didn't judge their positioning very well and Pinocchio smacked into the floor.

"Oh no," Arthur said. "Are you okay?"

"It's a good thing my wooden body doesn't have any nerves," Pinocchio said as he picked himself up. "I bet that would have really hurt."

"Come on, let's make a break for the door!" Arthur said as he led the way. Hamlet and Pinocchio came loping after him.

"Master!" the harp's singing voice pierced through the air. "They're on the floor! They're heading for the door!"

The giant looked up from the drawer he was digging through. "THERE YOU ARE! FE FI FO FLU. THIS GIANT IS GOING TO KILL YOU!"

The giant started running towards them. Each stride took him farther across the room than Arthur could cover in twenty steps. It became quickly apparent that they were never going to make it to the door in time.

In an act of desperation, Arthur pulled the golden gauntlet onto his hand. Prince Charming said it was difficult to break spells, but maybe, just maybe if he waved his hand around, the enchantment would break and he would find himself safe at home instead of being messily devoured by a giant.

He moved his hand left and right and twiddled his fingers. Nothing happened and the giant was closing the distance rapidly.

It occurred to him that maybe he needed to say some sort of magic words. "Abracadabra! Hocus Pocus! Hear me, O great and powerful spell. I command you to break. Break, damn you! Break!"

The fingers of the gauntlet suddenly curled shut of their own accord. The air around him grew cold and the sound seemed to become muffled. He wasn't sure what he had done precisely, but it seemed as if he had broken some kind of spell.

And then the entire castle jolted and the ground fell out from underneath them. It suddenly occurred to Arthur that he had broken a spell, all right. And now the castle was plummeting out of the sky towards the ground far below.