Decieve || Hyunlix

Part 15. In The Night

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ in the night ࿐ྂ

"I miss him, Hyunjin."

Here we sat, thirty minutes later, and I've finally admitted to what's happened.

He sighed and continued raking his fingers through my hair. I sat curled up between his sprawled out legs with my head on his chest. His arms were around my still topless upper body with one of his hands in my hair. The side of his face rested atop my head as I continued to sob, suddenly coming to terms with what I've been yearning so desperately for.

"I miss him so much. A-and it's all my fault." I choked through sobs, hardly able to get a word out. My chest was oddly heavy, I could suddenly feel that burden on my shoulders, and the tears that had yet to be shed were falling down my face like a river's stream.

"None of this is your fault, Lix. You have to know that." He spoke softly, I could tell he was just as upset.

His words only made another hidden cry escape as I gripped onto his shirt, dampening it with the water overflowing my eyes.
"Do you really think he's sitting in the afterlife, blaming you? You're an angel, Felix." He reassured, tightening his arms around me. My wailing simply increased and I partially felt guilty for making him go through my jumbled emotions like this.

"I-I shouldn't have m-made him go. H-he'd still be alive i-if I let him stay." I weeped.

Hyunjin didn't say anything. There wasn't much for him to. How are you supposed to help a self-deprecating person in grieving? How are you supposed to help someone whose life is a never-ending loop of misfortune and trauma? How do you help someone whose emotional baggage is heavier than everyone else's?

You can't.

"You're grieving, Lix, it's okay to feel sad without bringing yourself down. You don't deserve to be treated badly by yourself, you can let your emotions out. Such a beautiful friendship can't be grieved with so much shame on oneself." Hyunjin explained and in a way, I felt a little better. His tone and use of words, it was effective.

He knew how to word things well.

"I'm sorry, Hyunjin. I'm s-so sorry." I cried and cried in his arms, to the point where my chest hurt and my heart was heavy.

"What are you apologizing for, Lix?" He asked ever so sweetly. My core ached, wishing for nothing but more of his soft words.

"For putting all of this on you. All my emotions."
The only thing I felt in response was his arms pulling me closer into himself, a feeling this was so calming yet rejuvenating.
I could somehow feel my head beginning to calm down and my breathing steady even more. Something about being close to Hyunjin told me that this is where I needed to be. This was my haven.

"I'm not sure you understand what I meant when I said I'd wait for you, Lix. There's nothing I want more than to be there during both your highs and lows. I want to wait for you. I want to wait with you while you slowly come down from your sadness. I want to wait for when you see yourself grow after your grievance. Your emotions are my emotions. I want to feel what you feel, Felix. You're the only person I've ever wanted to be close to at all times."

By the time he finished his excerpt, I didn't realize that my tears had stopped falling. That the feeling of dryness was the only thing I felt on my face and not moist droplets. My breathing was heavy and I trembled from the aftermath of sobbing for so long.