Lies That Bind (on hold temporarily)

Chapter Forty Two

SARA

Fuck.

This cannot be happening right now.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

James is on one knee in front of me holding a black box. A suspiciously small black box. One that holds hopes and dreams and a life, and as much as I love that he thinks I'm worthy of what's inside that box, I'm not ready.

Not even a little bit.

James makes me happy. Giddy school girl happy. Dumb in love happy.

But not engaged after a month of dating, happy.

That's a step I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to take. And it kills me to know that if I were to say no to the words that will inevitably come out of his mouth, it'll crush him.

I've put him through hell for us to get to where we are now. Saying no to him would probably be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

How do you even tell someone that you love them, but not enough to commit to being with them for the rest of your life?

The answer: you don't. There's no coming back from a proposal that's one sided.

He's so sure of his love for me. Sure enough to get down on one knee and ask the most terrifying question of his life.

And I'm going to be the asshole who takes that perfect, proud smile off his face and ruins him forever.

God dammit!

Things between us have been good. So fucking good that I wake up feeling like I'm living in a dream most days.

But this? This is my nightmare.

And as much as I'm not ready for a proposal, I'm not ready to let him go yet either.

I promised myself that I wouldn't hurt him like I've been hurt. That I wouldn't be selfish with him. But right now I don't see how I can live up to those promises.

"James, I—"

"Let me talk first. Please," he begs.

My chest tightens, heart constricting in my chest. I can't help but pinch my eyes closed and pray that this is all just some fucked up delusion that my brain is feeding me because I'm in a food coma.

Or that the two drinks I had at dinner were laced with something and I'm hallucinating this perfect specimen of a man on one knee for me.

His hands cup my cheeks and I try to shy away from his touch but he won't let me. "Look at me."

"I can't," I whisper, shaking my head.

"Sara, please."

His words are desperate and I know that shutting down like I am is cowardly, but I can't see the moment I break his heart.

Because I don't want this to be the end of us. I just don't see how it won't be.

James softly strokes my cheeks with his thumbs and I feel my heart cracking. "Open those pretty eyes for me, gorgeous."

Taking a shaky breath I will my tears not to fall and finally open my eyes.

He's staring back at me with a sad smile on his face.

His hands fall from my face and he reaches into his jacket pocket, pulling out the box again. "I know what it looks like, but I promise it's not what you think."

The box opens facing him and he runs his finger over whatever it is that's inside, the corner of his mouth tipping up.

My heart slams against my ribcage. "So you're not—"