( HEAVY TW: overdoses, ed, death )
Are you seriously on the floor again?
And awake.
And she already regrets waking up.
she hated waking up
Because it meant remembering just enough to feel guilt.
But I feel worse for the girl who watched through a mirror at a girl staring right back at her bent over the dresser.
It felt wrong.
She couldn’t stand, talk, or even keep her eyes open consistently.
Just waiting for gravity to take its toll and knock you to the ground.
Her eyes were already dead but she was still hunched over.
Standing
I mean not for long that bitch went down like a train wreck hitting her head twice on the way down.
I mean god it was a mess.
The thing was laying face down now in her own vomit quite literally eating her words,
“I'll never do this again.”
The words she promised her mother.
The mother who is now staring at her body on the ground
.
The words promised to her dad,
4 days later coming to her hospital room after being unsure of the status of life his youngest daughter held.
The words she promised to her best friend.
Three months later, being told we would both be better off if we stopped talking.
She really did hate herself
But life still was okay.
She picked herself up last time, maybe she can stand up.
She had a new
Home
School
Friends
And lifestyle in general.
But that the end of the day the fact that she
Still hates herself,
And has absolutely zero control over the matters of her own life, lingers.
She has zero control
So she picks and picks inside her skin finding new problems to solve so she has something to do with the life she has zero control over.
After picking out all her words
Self respect,
Stability,
And
Sanity
When all she wanted was control.
Once again she's lying down back on the floor.
And she was a very creative girl so it would be boring to let drugs take her out again.
So now.
Lying on the cold bathroom floor unable to stand.
With my stomach on the air vent blowing a hot wind on my stomach.
It's all the same story if you remove the cause but leave the symptoms
The floor,
The vomit,
The lies,
Broken promises,
And worst of all
That poor kid in the mirror watching me kill myself over and over and once again over again.
But hey, third times a charm.
