Last night...
Was the most terrible night I feel I've ever had in my life. People may think I'm exaggerating that, but the way I feel about it.. it was exactly what I said it was.
Sure.. I've come home hurting a lot. From a lot of different things, usually from something like work or... a multitude or other things. I've been bruised, beat up, and broken... but all of that was physical pain. None of that hurts as much as a broken heart. A real broken heart.
What happened last night wasn't pretty.
She left me... my dear songbird left me for good. And I'm going to miss Salomé Ivory forever. But she probably made the right decision because I fucked up so bad. Was it really me? Or was it something else?
It didn't matter. It didn't matter because at the end of the day, it was my fault. I can say it was because of my father... but right now it doesn't feel that way completely. It feels like I, myself has caused our downfall but I don't know. I just don't.
I feel cursed by the world.
........
[A very long and loud silence followed in his thoughts.]
I... told my father what happened... the one I live with now of course. I couldn't tell the entire origin of why I did it, or... how it all started or happened. But all he knows is that /I/ was the jerk. The asshole. And he wasn't happy with me... he wasn't happy with what I did to her. He wasn't and neither were the rest of my siblings.
Because I went to him and told him.....
"Dad..."
And that was all I said at first, and he turned and looked at me with a bit of concern on his face and maybe he was wondering what was wrong.
"What... did you do son?"
Nico asked me and I stood there. I stood there and looked at him with eyes full of sorrow and I shook my head. I didn't want to break down or cry in front of him, let alone in front of my other siblings who may have strolled by. They didn't bother me... they kept going but they knew something was up. However, Nico walked over to me and he just wrapped his arms around me and that... did it. I held onto him and I usually never cried like this about anything.
Because a lot of things didn't matter to me. The last time I was this way was... when ma left and I was left with a monster. But heartbreak was no joke... and if there was one thing I was scared of always, it was losing her.
"I... I fucked up... I..."
Right there, I stammered a lot, struggling to find the words to even tell him. To figure out where to even start.
"I didn't keep my promise to her so... she left me... I was a terrible person to her I... got in a fight with people at the village... yelled at her... I..."
Well Nico had gently pat my back, but he pulled away slowly and placed his hands on my shoulders, staring at me in my eyes.
"Did you... did you... do anything more to her? Did you hit.."
Because his voice trailed off and I just nodded my head and he shook his head at me,
"Son... you shouldn't have done any of that. And... I'm sorry this happened but now... you best stay away. I'm disappointed you did that... I am. The next time... you'll surely die Caius and I don't want that for you. Look at you.. your face and all these new wounds and scars. I don't know all you did but Caius..."
And I heard his words and he was right as much as I wanted it all to be wrong and that's why I couldn't say anything at that moment. It hurt to think about, to talk about and I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
"Dad I... I just wish that ma never died. Why did she have to go so soon...? If she were here... none of this would've ever happened... never. She would've been so... so... upset and angry with me right now-"
[Which was far from the truth of what he thought, because his mother would've known everything that happened from where she was.]
Thinking about that hurt just as much and Nico just shook his head,
"Oh... son..."
Because truly Nico didn't know a complete answer to that statement, but he tried his best,
"I know you miss her a lot... and I'm sure she misses you but whatever happened... that doesn't mean she would've stopped loving you. She would've told you the right way to handle this and still looked after you... you'll always be her baby boy throughout anything. Whatever happened... it probably happened for a reason and you just don't see or understand why yet. But don't let this consume you. If you do... things can get worse and what I need... I need for you to take a break and... heal."
He placed his hands on both sides of my cheeks.
"You hear me? You can always talk to me... but please look after yourself and don't let yourself spiral..."
And I looked at him for a moment, a very small, faint nod of my head.
"I'll... I'll try.... I just... I'm tired..."
Which he understood what I meant, because he moved his hands and he stepped back. Me? I... turned and started to head to my room and I was exhausted mentally... emotionally. I didn't know how I would heal... because right now it felt like rock bottom.
I didn't want to do anything. Not a anything but lay upstairs away from the world. And the storm that started outside... oh that didn't help. I laid there, staring at a wall, wondering why the world was so against me and all that reminded me Salomé. She lost everything and the world constantly took from her. I know how she feels... I just wonder how she's strong enough to keep on.
Right now, I didn't feel like I wanted to.
