Dulce Periculum

8. Deep Breaths

Yunho got to rest at the sick ward along with some other injured espers. The police officers whose wounds he caused weren't here, and it was better like that. After receiving the report after the incident, Yunho realised with a sinking feeling only three people died, all of which had been stationed with him.

He cried, and he blamed himself. Argued that he should leave and that keeping him here would only cause more issues. But the same realisation washed over him time and time again.

He belonged to Auresce.

There was nowhere to run.

After making it through the worst pain, Yunho was hesitant to leave the medical station and go back to training, even if it was never enough. But the nurses told him off.

"Get some proper guiding," they told him, and he couldn't argue. Bora's guiding only alleviated the light pains, but he wasn't making use of its entirety.

On his way out, Yunho hung his head. His guilt kept him up, and he didn't know what to do with himself. He wasn't ready for any of this. So unprepared and helpless, like a flailing child.

The only difference was that lives depended on him.

To his greatest misfortune, he ran into his squad commander outside in the corridor. He was a harsh man, only dropping by in training occasionally, but he never spared Yunho a glance. Now, he missed that time when stormy eyes found him.

"Jeong," his commander barked, and Yunho stood at attention with his head bowed.

He wouldn't personally have to apologise to the families of the people he got killed since it was part of the job, but that fact stung perhaps even more.

Everyone of lower rank was expendable. Espers, guides, soldiers.

"You are level D, which means your effort should be the support of our high-ranking espers. What would you do if a level S trusted in you and lost their life?!" His superior barked at him, as if Yunho was careless. As if his eyes weren't haunted by nightmares.

"I-I didn't train enough yet..." He mumbled, earning a harsh scoff.

"Not enough training? You train for your health, but your willpower comes from within. Some espers create wonders right upon awaking. You are behind everyone else. Work harder to earn your keep. We cannot sponsor you if we lose people to you."

"But... It felt so dangerous. People were shooting at every demon without hesitation," Yunho argued, trying to make him understand that no matter Yunho's inexperience, trust on the battlefield was always necessary. How could he concentrate without? He could take pain, but if he also had to fear for his death from behind, he couldn't do his work.

"So? That is their job. Your job is to defend. As you can see, we will inevitably lose people. Everyone goes out there ready to die. You should also be. Do better." With that, he turned on his heel to march down the corridor, leaving Yunho rubbing his side self-consciously. It still stung.

He was exhausted. Two weeks in Auresce and he was losing his mind. He knew he got two free days a month, so he wanted to spend time with his family soon. If they assured him he was doing great, it would be easier.

Only a few more weeks until then.

If he was still alive.

Yunho ran his fingers through his matted hair. He forgot how to take care of himself here. Wasn't hungry, felt no obligation to shower.

Like a ghost, he dragged himself to his room. He still hadn't unpacked his bag. Despite all his luxuries here and the friendly presentation of the centre, he just couldn't calm down.