ED SHEERAN SAT on his toilet, taking the biggest shit ever. He groaned while reading his newspaper, directly from his newspaper basket beside his toilet.
While reading a story about Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalamet, he started to cry thinking he'd never find true love like they did. He was so sad that he had to leave on tour soon, knowing he wouldn't be able to take shits on his favourite toilet, the one he was on now.
He wiped his ass with the same paper he used to wipe his tears before completely forgetting to wash his hands and going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for him and his cat. Though, he was delusional and hadn't realized his cat had been dead for the last 3 months.
———
ANA-LEANE WAS angry at Donald Trump for being so orange. She truly envied him the complexe structures of his face. Yet, she absolutely hated him and his policies.
She was in Argentina, giving birth to a child, but, she realized she wasn't ready to be a mother. She hadn't fully developed her alpha capabilities and was still looking for a mate, not some random dude that she didn't remember nor know that knocked her up.
She ran out of the hospital, leaving all her duties behind.
"No, you can't leave little Jelly-Joseph-Joe-Biden behind!" said the good angel on her shoulder. But, she didn't care. She was a bad girl.
"Rrrrrrrr, you tell me what to do again and I'll make you wish thou didn't get caught," she growled to no one, making everyone on the street look at her.
Truth is, she was just as delusional as Ed Sheeran, but she didn't know that yet. She just wanted to prove herself, to her alpha male mate. She was a werewolf in the night, but no one could know that.
Ana walked to the train station, wishing to get away.
"One ticket to Wonderland, please and thank you," she asked, looking off into the distance, ignoring the ticket lady.
"Lady, that place isn't fucking real you delusional bitch," she groaned. "Not another Debby Ryan," she mumbled into her desk.
"Uhhh, to Ireland?" Ana-Leane asked.
"Passed 6th grade geography? It's on the other side of the ocean, lady," she practically yelled back at her.
"To USA?"
"Yeah, you know what, here," the lady handed her a ticket.
As Ana-Leane couldn't read, she didn't understand that the ticket was sending her on a one way trip to Antarctica.
———
NELLY SHEERAN, wife of Ed Sheeran, looked at her pathetic excuse of a husband on the couch before speaking up.
"Come on Ed, get your ass off this couch. Tour starts soon," she screamed, having no patience left.
"All the more reason to stay on this couch,"
"I cancelled your tour," Nelly stated, putting on some perfume.
"WHAT???" Ed shrieked, finally getting off the couch.
"You can't even have enough time for me when you're not on tour, so I think you being on tour would put to much of a strain on our relationship," she said, putting on her evil-girl-glasses. "We are going to Antarctica, husband. Just us two."
———
ANA-LEANE SAT on the train, looking out the window.
"I love doing spontaneous things! I can't just sit still, I guess. I'm not like the other girls," she said to no one in particular, but many people were side-eyeing her.
As the train ride went on, Ana didn't know what to do. She kinda missed Jelly-Joseph-Joe-Biden, but she couldn't go back.
She was going to the US, where she would meet the real Joe Biden and explain why she named her son after him and not his rival, Donald Trump.
Ana-Leane also had a daughter somewhere in the world, named Peanut-Butter-Queen-Elizabeth, with her ex, Harry Styles, yet she didn't love her. That's why she left them. Peanut was a little bitch and Ana couldn't stand it. As for Harry, well Ana-Leane liked Niall Horan better.
As the trained came to a stop, Ana-Leane realized she had washed her hair twice this month, which was bad luck. So she rolled on the ground trying to get her hair dirty till someone pulled her out of the train.
"Get on the plane, esti de conne," the man grumbled. "Pourquoi j'ai décidé de travailler sur un calisse de train, tabarnak."
Still not protesting, as Ana-Leane thought he was complimenting her, she threw it back and got onto the little plane. She also didn't understand the train system and thought she was on a luxury train named "plane".
———
ED SHEERAN SAT on a toilet, but this time at a little airport. He hated it. The bathroom smelt nice, not like his smelly washroom at home.
The pair, Nelly and Ed, had already taken a larger airplane to Argentina. Now, they were waiting for a smaller one to Antarctica.
Ed Sheeran left the bathroom, to meet up with his wife at the terminal.
"Ed fucking Sheeran, we'll be late you monstrous human being," she yelled, ready to punch him. Some girl in the distance, which later revealed to be Ana-Leane, looked at the pair with sadness in her eyes. She felt bad for the man. And some attraction.
They both boarded the plane and sat at the very back.
That's when Edward Christopher Sheeran laid his eyes on the most wonderful girl ever, Ana-Leane T. Georgette.
— AUTHOR'S NOTE —
This might be a lot funnier to us then to you readers, but enjoy this shit chapter. Also, this will not be a slow burn you morons.
- Clara & Maude
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My Poo-Poo Bear// Ed Sheeran
FanfictionOnce upon a time, lived a very sad Ed Sheeran in his castle on the hill. He was incredibly lonely and spent his days listening to country music while imagining a better life. One day, come a magnificent girl named Ana-Leane. She was as sweet as van...
