Love & Basketball || Paige Bueckers

are you okay

*TW: mental health*

Layna's POV:

i'm sitting on a bench out in the courtyard on campus. my watch reading 2:34am. i just finished a 2 mile run. i'm letting the sound of the wind and the leaves on the trees rustling fill my mind to try and wash the panic away that i was experiencing about 30 minutes ago.

i've been experiencing one of the worst lows since the first week my mother passed away. it's been like this since i arrived back from miami which was about two weeks ago. i've completely isolated myself which has been easy for now because i have no duties or obligations at the moment. not for another week and then i have some NIL deals that i have to take care of and then summer workouts start.

my mind starts filling up with how I've been the past two weeks. how i've been in full isolation mode. my notifications on my messages have now entered into 3 digits. i read them all in my display screen whenever they come through to make sure there's no emergency's happening and i have forced myself to respond back to geno when he needs something so i make sure i don't lose my spot on the team, but it takes everything in me to do just that.

my mind wonders to paige. she immediately had to hop on another flight once we arrived back in connecticut to go to the UK for some of her sponsorships and for events. she's been gone for two weeks and is supposed to arrive back tomorrow. she's texted me multiple times and even though i'm screaming at myself to respond, i can't do it. my mind is exhausted and my social battery is in the negative.

me feeling guilty is what has triggered this. i had one of the best weeks of my life in miami. for the first time in months, i had a full week where i didn't have a panic attack, a wave of sadness, or any nightmares. my mind felt free. but on the flight back home, it gave me time to think and that's where the guilt came in. my mom always talked about visiting florida but never getting the chance to. i feel guilty for going without her. i feel guilty for having fun. i feel guilty for being happy. but most of all, i feel guilty that i'm living and the woman that deserved to live is not.

believe me, i know my mom wouldn't want me to be sad. i know that. i know she wants me to live my life and be happy. she wants me to move forward and live for her. and i'm trying. i am really really trying. i'm just so angry that her life got taken. she was the epitome of selflessness. the definition of a ray of sunshine. she woke up and fought every day to live. she fought her battle so hard and still didn't win in the end. it's unfair and i feel guilty. because she deserved to live just as much as anyone.

i think it's hitting me a little extra hard because the anniversary of her death will be here in two months. the thought of it makes my body go limp. my face is vibrantly visible of tears streaming down my face now, having a lamp post beaming down on me.

the worst part is, i'm alone. but what's even worse, is that i don't allow myself to let anyone in so it's my fault that i'm alone. i don't want to bring anyone down or put the weight of my sadness on other people. and i definitely don't want to talk to a therapist. i'm scared of what a therapist would tell me. i'm scared of the possible diagnosis they would give me and the medication that would come with it. plus.. i've never really been good at talking about my feelings. hence the isolation mode that i'm in right now.

i'm just taking the time that i need to myself. to feel the things that i need to feel and help get myself back up. this is just a low and i never let my lows win. it never gets bad enough to where i think of the irreversible. i've never had those thoughts, it's never like that. i would never do that. and that's a fear of mine is people thinking that i would. my pain and hurt just overwhelms me so bad sometimes to the point i isolate and it gets hard to do daily tasks sometimes. i just need time to myself to recuperate and then i'm good.