Love & Basketball || Paige Bueckers

clearing the air

Layna's POV:

"i'll just jump right in and rip the bandaid off because there's no point in beating around the bush anymore." i tell paige as i'm turning around to sit back on her bed to face her.

she nods her head and without breaking eye contact she moves to sit back in her chair and gives me her full attention.

i let out a deep breath. i can do this.

"so i don't really know what to say or how to say it but ill just start with what i've been struggling with." i say.

"that's perfectly fine. there's no pressure and i'm going to listen to everything you want to tell me with zero judgement, i hope you know that." paige says reassuringly. i smile at her for that.

"okay so ever since my mom passed i started having nightmares, i'll be standing in a hallway and i see her at the end of it and i start to run to her but it's like i don't move at all and she gets farther and farther away and i scream out to her but i never make progress, it's like i'm stuck. and when i wake up i find myself having panic attack every single time." i pause for moment because i honestly started to tear up but i took in another deep breath and held the tears in.

"i can never fall back asleep afterwards so i decided to go on runs because running has always helped clear my mind but then i began to realize it was becoming an unhealthy habit. but i couldn't stop, it was the only thing i could do to make my mind stop, at least i thought it was the only thing." i start twiddling with my fingers at this point, feeling nervous sharing all of this for the first time.

"and then there's some times i have bad days or even weeks when i would have a wave of guilt come over me for living my life when she can't. when she deserves to. and i isolate and i let the depression win." i stop in my tracks for a moment because as soon as i let that last sentence out, paige rolls her chair over to me and grabs my hands. she doesn't say anything, i'm sure because she doesn't want to interrupt but just this small gesture is enough at the moment.

i start stroking one of her hands with my thumb. "it honestly got better when me and you became official and we became what we were always meant to be. the nightmares had stopped and the guilt went away for a while. but then it came back harder. because the one person i wanted to tell about us was her. she always rooted for us and she's not here to see us become a reality. and then my mind drifted to many things that she's doing to miss out on."

i take another deep breath. "that's when i lost my appetite. that's when it became hard to eat. it's not that i didn't want to eat, my body just didn't want to. and when i did try, i always got sick. so on top of not eating, i also wasn't sleeping and that led to me running the energy out of me just trying to get tired of enough to where my body couldn't resist anymore to sleep." why do i feel so embarrassed admitting all of this out loud? i'm so embarrassed.

"it was all a recipe for disaster. i'm sorry i didn't talk to you paige. the last thing i wanted to do was burden you, the team, anybody at all. i just thought there was nothing anyone could say to make it better and it was something i could fix on my own but the struggle got harder and i didn't know that it would lead me to crash like it did." her eyes still staring into mine, giving me her full attention and it never faltering. i see a little sadness creep into her eyes. that's also the last thing i wanted.

"but yesterday was a wake up call for me. from the moment i woke up, i knew i felt different. i knew i wanted to start letting someone in.. i knew i wanted to let you in. that's why i invited you over last night before the game. i didn't want to hide it anymore. and then when i collapsed and when i woke up, i got hit with a reality check. i can't keep living like this and i know my mom wouldn't want this for me. i genuinely do feel better. i'm not 100% but for once i believe i'm in the right head space to get there." i finish explaining everything to her and i try to give her a knowing look that i'm finished in case she wants to say anything. i really did go full rant mode with her, but i know she didn't care one bit.

she squeezes my hands. "thank you. thank you for finally letting me in. i hate that you had to go through all of that alone but i always tried to make you feel like you weren't alone. i am always here layna. and im here now, i'm going to get you through this. you loved and adored your mom so much, i knew thats why you were struggling but i was scared you would push me away if i said anything." she said with sadness in her eyes.

"i know, and i'm so sorry. deep down i knew that you knew because of the few times that you did ask questions. i was just embarrassed and i didn't know how to talk about it." i say and i lower my head. i feel bad for the few times that i did push her away. she tried to help me and i wouldn't let her.

she released one of my hands and went for my chin to lift my head back up to meet her beautiful ocean eyes that i love. "i don't ever want you to feel embarrassed about anything with me. i'm here to go through this life with you layna. i'm here to listen to anything and everything you ever want to say. i will never turn you down or make you feel less than for anything. i love you." she says sternly but softly, she's making sure that i know she means what she says with everything in her.

"and i love you. i won't keep you out anymore. it's me and you. i promise." and when i finish my sentence she pulls me in and kisses my lips. i feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of me. i feel like i can breathe again.

once she pulls away, she meets my eyes once again. "your mom loved life with everything in her. she never held back with anything, making sure she lived to the fullest. and i know that she wants that for you too. layna.. she loved life but she loved you more. she wouldn't want to see you hurt like this. she would want you to live your life the way that she did. not missing moments, taking in everything, being spontaneous and adventurous. she would want you to do that for her, in memory of her. you've felt guilty long enough baby, let's remember your mom the way she would want us to." and i took in every single word that paige just said. i really really needed that. i couldn't help but smile.

"you're absolutely right. i feel the clarity that i've been craving to feel. she never held back and i need to stop holding back for her." i pull her in for a tight hug. "you knew exactly what to say. thank you buckets." i tell her happily.

"i'm glad i could help. thank you for letting me listen." she said while squeezing me back.

and just as beautiful as this moment was, the sunlight beamed through the window perfectly. it warmed up my face just a little. just enough to grab my attention. i turn to look out the window and i see how beautiful it is outside.

"do you wanna go to the basketball courts and then get food after?" i ask her.

"you know i'm down. basketball, you, and food? nothing can beat that." she said with a smirk on her face.

i just laugh at her. "such a sweet talker." i say nudging her shoulder.

"only for you."

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A/N: i'm glad that the air is cleared not and all is swell and sweet, but maybe it's time for some drama 🤔 hmmm we'll see. i gotta stay thickening the plot.