Free Space

The Relapse

I did it again

I fell in "love" again

It was with the same boy

And I wish that I could say that it's going to be okay

But unfortunately, I've already used up that line

You want to know how I realized I fell again

Well I'll tell you

Whether or not you want to know

It happened when I reached over,

Reached over from my back of the seat to the front of his

God and I wished I could have stopped it

Wish that it didn't happen

But that's an entirely new topic

Let me continue on to this one before I tell you the other though

I reached forward

Layed my hand on his head

I guess it hurt

The way he decided to pull away on reflex 

That was what bothered me the most

The illusion that I could be someone cared for

And maybe yes I may be petty

Maybe overselling the fall that I took

But it did hurt

Hurt on a level at which the stages have no clear line

No it wasn't the same as the drug

Wasn't the same as the first time I heard of him with another

But it was the path, the jump from point A to point B that somehow went to C

That's how I feel

All over the place

With no clear coralaltion

I really need help with this

I need to reread the bible and oracle on how to renovate an organ that has been traumatized

I have to say that I am sorry

For I have decided in a split second to fall in love again

I have enabled the notion of war and made it feel like an honor

I told it to walk in but it misunderstood my invitation

I've told it to warm the palace up

And it did

But it left and ended up turning to a hell

I'm in rehab as of right now

In a room so empty that the word has lost its meaning

I'm still not over it though

And I think he knows

He must know

Right?

Right?

Know that I like him

A part of me feels like he does know

It'll just be a matter of time until I look back at these side notes and realize how shitty they are

And that will be okay

The moment that the line becomes a barrier

The time in which I remember why I do so well alone

Why my isolation is my home

Why the whole isn't becoming more deep

Don't worry I'LL tell you

This new medication that they will put you under will make you feel better

I promise that after the twelve steps, you'll feel like the new you

Step one remember that you can't even write his first name because the s in his name are yours

Step two look at his previous exes, a whole new level

Step three is the lack of first work, he's always telling you to look at your paper

Step four you're still in the friend zone, but he still hasn't called you a true friend

Step five he flinched at you, I scared him off again

Step six he's too far from your reach, he's on the other level

Step seven he's got too many "girlfriends," I'm the jealous type

Step eight he's got way too many guy friends, I'm the jealous type

And yes there is a difference

Step nine he is freely outgoing, it cost me too much to even say hi

Step ten I can't even read his writing, it looks worse than mine

Step eleven he drives, I'm the one who wants to be in charge of the vehicle

Step twelve, he broke my heart, I think I'll leave it at that