Free Space

It's Going To Be Okay

I think I'm going to be okay
I think
I'm not reassuring that i won't cry when i get home
Or that I will think less of myself
Or that I won't want to run because i'm hurt
The truth is I am hurt
So hurt right now that I want to run off and cry right now
The fact that my eyes are getting teary isn't because I am crying over the fact that he kissed someone
Or the fact that he said he doesn't want to date at all
But its the fact that I was waiting for this moment
For the moment that this crush would be over
That I would look at him like the first time I had met him
Not love at first sight
But friends at first sight
I've done it before
The passage of healing hurts the most
But you know what as i write this with him just next to me i am still teary
Still trying to not cry
Tell myself that its okay
Mention that i am very uncomfortable
Question what the hell i am going to do with the whole escort situtation
Know that even though he says he doesn't want to continue something with that one girl he does still like her
Emptiness, it is what i am feeling right now
Its still there though you know
The lingerness of feelings that i feel towards him
But i liked how things were before
Sharing out that I am broken
In hopes of finding the glue rather than the unbroken aspects
Its going to be okay i tell myself but the truth is i don't know if I am goin to be okay
Listening to him talk about another girl becomes so much more hurtful
Not because he likes someone else or because he mentions her over and over
But because all the girls are something that I will never be
I don't think i'm okay
But i will be
I don't know when but i will be
And the change that i was going through
The drinking of mostly water and lemonade with water
The more managed appetite
I think in part it was because of him
But in part it was because I wanted to be better
What disturbs me the most was the issue that he became a part of my scenriors as a lover
They were great stories
So good and engraved in my head that I now have to erase them
What a shame that they all have to go to waste
I stopped staring at him
Its okay to tell you that i am now wondering what to do next
His happiness does not make me smile within when he just moments before talked about her
Little by little
But I promise that its feeling numb
Very numb and ticklish
And somewhat very cold
I want to be a friend now, 
Like we were when we first met
Friends at first sight.