A Court of Chaos and Confusion - An ACOTAR Rewrite

Chapter 26

I awoke and allowed Alis to dress me, choosing a more flowy tunic than I normally wore. When I gave Alis a questioning look she just clicked her tongue at me. "It's a nice day out, you should take a stroll and enjoy it while you can."

I tugged at the sleeves, the dread from last night and the threat of being sent away seizing me like a panic. "Some fresh air may do me some good." I conceded after taking a few subtle deep breaths to calm myself. After finishing with my braid and giving me one last look over Alis gave a nod of satisfaction and left the room, closing the door behind her and leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I sat at the vanity, staring at my reflection. Lucien and Tamlin were meeting with their sentries to determine my future and I was sitting up here at my vanity with no say in the matter. What would they decide? Where would I go, if not here? Surely they wouldn't send me back over the Wall to my family. If this Amarantha truly did have spies they'd search for me there and my family would be in harms way... 

The thought of leaving the two High Fae I'd grown so close to in the last few months, the beauty of the Spring Court and its people, had my feet moving swiftly, finding the closed doors to the office downstairs where the meeting was being held. I checked the hallway and surrounding hallways to be sure there was no one to observe me before I placed my ear to the door, hoping to overhear what they were saying. The hallway smelled of that metallic tang I associated with magic and after several long, silent moments I deduced they must have glamoured the room so nobody could overhear.

I cursed, even considered grabbing for the handle or beating on the door. But the thought of all those eyes on me had me turning and heading out the doors and through the gardens instead. Like Alis had said, it was a nice day out, I should take a walk and enjoy being here while I could.

As I walked toward one of the forests I had yet to fully explore I ran through multiple different versions of the conversation they could be having behind that locked door. How could one insignificant human girl become such a burden? They were going to send me back home for sure - back to that hell.

I wouldn't go. I'd simply refuse to leave.

Even as I had the thought, I knew it was a foolish one. Tamlin had knocked me out with magic for the entire journey here from our cottage, he would simply do the same thing again to send me home if he made the order and I refused.

The truth was, if the High Fae wanted me gone, I would be gone. I was no match for these faeries and their magic.

And yet, I'd managed to trap the Suriel. Killed a naga. Gone up against the High Lord of the Night Court. Survived Tamlin at Calanmai. Maybe I was a match for them, after all. Maybe they had been too far removed from humans for too long, and they underestimated us.

I meandered through the trees, weaving in and out of the shadows and patches of sunlight. After an hour of walking, I found a clear flowing stream to follow, and not long after that I found a meadow filled with flowers.

Abandoning the stream I decided to walk through the meadow, trailing my hands along the tall stalks as I walked, knocking pollen from the flowers into the air. As I trailed through the flowers I thought back to the encounter with Rhysand. Why hadn't he harmed me? Why had he lied about my feelings toward Tamlin? Surely he'd seen my affections were more towards the High Lord of Spring's fox-masked emissary, if anything. He had perfect information to bait Tamlin into more of a rage, shame Lucien, and embarrass me all in one smooth blow but he hadn't done it. No, instead Rhysand – Rhys, for those that weren't foe or prisoners, I remembered him saying – had lied, and obvious lies at that.

My hand passed through another patch of tall blue flowers and I felt a heaviness coming over me. I found a soft patch of grass and laid down, staring up at the sky and watching as the clouds moved with the summer breeze and the flowers and grass swayed in the wind around me. The pollen I'd stirred up from the flowers made it look like golden glitter was floating in the air, giving the entire meadow a magical shimmery quality to it.

I yawned, dragging my thoughts back to Rhys. As I stared at the clouds I pictured Rhys's face, the look he gave me right before he'd said those lies to Tamlin. I thought of the last caress those mental talons had left on my mind before they retreated, how I had somehow known Rhysand wouldn't harm me, just as he hadn't at Calanmai.

My eyes grew heavier and I could hardly keep them open. The sunshine felt so good as it warmed my skin. The breeze was comforting, blowing strands of hair across my face and tickling me. I breathed in the sweet smell of the flowers and the fresh summer air, letting it lull me into deeper relaxation. I saw the pollen still stirred up in the air from my walking and yawned again, my eyelashes fluttering closed as I drifted off into a serene, deep slumber.

***

I was floating in a sea of darkness, no light, no color, no sound. There was no fear, no joy, no sorrow, grief, or worry. Only the peacefulness of the void.

In the void, there were no goals, no plots, no danger, no games. In the comfort of the blackness, there was safety. There was peace. There was a sense of belonging. 

Had there been a life before the void? A shallow life, filled with shame, loss, and darkness. A light emerged, a voice rising high above a busy tavern, captivating all who could hear. A siren, they'd called me. Had I truly been so concerned with what other people thought of me? Had I truly stopped singing because some obscure pair of brown eyes had broken my heart? In the void, all of that was washed away.

Time didn't work in the void the way I was used to. There wasn't a way to tell how much time was passing. 

Faces and memories would sometimes swirl around me, dreams and nightmares from years past, reminding me of someplace far away and out of my reach.

At least for now. A voice whispered through the void.

A voice? 

"Hello" I called out, surprised to hear my own voice echo in the darkness, but there was no answering reply, and before long it all slipped away and I was back to floating in the fathomless darkness. 

Alone.