Violent Sun - S.a.M.S AU

The Thoughts

Warning this chapter is meant to describe Sun's current thoughts, and it may be triggering or depressing. You have been warned

Warnings : self harm, suicidal thoughts, plans, self neglect, sexual themes, and possibly more.

Sun's POV

My body felt numb, my mind spinning with thoughts. Everything was happening so fast that my brain couldn't comprehend it well, we were sitting on the couch. I was drinking some straight vodka and the twins were watching a show on the floor. It felt almost as though my head might explode, I looked down at my hand that I had burned so long ago. I smiled as I remembered the pain, it had felt so good not to feel nothing. I could feel Eclipse talking to me and looking at me, but my brain simply shoved him out.

The only thing I could hear was my own breathing... I wanted it to stop. I didn't want my mind or body to be here, I didn't want to hear my breathing. The thought of being free of this burden made me smile, I got up and walked over to the kitchen. I saw a knife out, and grabbed it.

The knife cut deep into my forearm, I took the last of my vodka and poured it into my open wound. My eyes filled with tears but my smile grew wide, I loved the stinging sensation. I then took the knife again and started to carve more deep cuts into my arms, I slightly gritted my teeth.

I felt compelled to continue, but looking at the counter I saw a mess and had the strongest urge to clean. My mind was slowly getting more and more intoxicated by the alcohol, so I grabbed a sponge and started aggressively cleaning the counter where it looked as if there was dirt and mud and mold everywhere.

My head started to spin as it was like mold was growing over my eyes. I fell to the floor holding my head in my hands, the warm feeling of blood dripping down my arm. I then felt a hand on me, it firmly grasped my face plate. I started to cry, I could see Eclipse holding me. I tried my hardest to hold on to him. But as soon as my hand touched him his body turned rusty and moldy, with dirt and oil everywhere. I started to panic and breathed faster every second, before I knew it I was so light headed that I... woke up?

I woke up in Eclipse's arms, he had the most worried expression on his face. We were outside, no, in the kitchen? I looked around, and then at myself. Nothing happened, I could feel my wet face. Eclipse continued to hold me as I regained my thoughts, all I wanted was to sleep forever. And never have to worry about life, I sat up in his arms and took a deep breath. Eclipse gently pulled me into him, he started to rub my body with his hands. It felt nice, a little too nice. He continued to do this and I started to feel my body heat up, he stopped and I was slightly disappointed.

I wanted him to continue but when I looked up at his eyes his face was gone, my eyes widened with horror as he only had one large demonic eye staring at me. I tried to get out of his slowly tightening grasp but failed. I felt pain instead of pleasure and started to cry again just wanting to be freed from this hell.

I woke up again, this time in the darkness of the living room. The moon filtered through the back porch sliding door, I looked around. my mind still racing with thoughts. I looked down to see dried oil on my arms and a broken glass bottle of vodka, I looked over to my right to see a wet sponge that was soaking the carpet. I was sitting on the ground, the last thing I remembered when I woke up was the twins and Eclipse going to bed and me laying on the couch.

I felt light headed and dizzy, I wanted to get it over with. I looked around the room and spotted a gun on the counter. I attempted to get up but failed. I fell to the ground and bumped a glass vase onto the floor. It shattered and made a loud noise that rang through my head, I tried my hardest to pull myself up and reach for the gun. The room was spinning now and I collapsed again, but this time into Eclipse's arms.

I didn't care I wanted to be free, I tried to pull myself from his grasp still aiming for the gun that was 3, 2, 1, foot away. I then saw a red blur snatch it, I tried to focus my eyes and I saw BM he was worried and angry holding the gun away from my grasp.

I hated the way my family treated me, they made it seem as if I'm a small child. The way they made jokes about me like I wasn't there, or how they treated me when I was upset. They always treated me like a joke, I did so much for them, and lived so long just for them. But never once did they ever care about what I wanted, all I wanted was for them to respect me. I love them, yes, but I hated being around them. Earth is nice, but she always treats me like a 5 year old.

She never wants me to comfort her, or help her because she always thinks I'm going to screw up.

Same with moon, I spent hours searching and watching videos just to help him. But despite my efforts he always thought I might make it worse, he didn't even trust me to screw in some bolts because I grabbed the wrong tool for two seconds. And because of my past mistakes everyone has it locked into their heads that I'm no good at anything except for gaming, or to buy games for them. I was used.

I don't want to live anymore