Do you ever feel that -- tired in your bones? That kind of tired that you know, deep down, you just can't get away from?
I do. I have for a while. Years now. But with every health diagnosis, with every memory that uncovers itself, with every new medical possibility or call from the lawyer...my bones creak. Not because they're the raggedy old bones of a ninety year old (which, let's be real, they are), but because the weight pushing down on them is just too much. Like when you step on a spot onn the floor, and it creaks under the weight of your foot.
My bones creak under the weight of life.
The weight adds years. They aren't newly-32-year-old bones anymore, no. They're brittle, gnarly, swollen, painful, red and creaky, hundred-year-old bones. Maybe they're even older than that, I don't know.
What I do know is that when your bones are that old, and you are in that much pain, you are really fucking tired. A tired that can't be shaken or slept off, or pushed away no matter how many litres of coffee you drink.
I finally got to a place where I want to live, and now I have to watch myself slowly die, and I'm trying to stop it but it isn't working and it's all still my fault. You'd think by now that law of averages or something would kick in to make things far much less my fault, but I did always baffle people, so...maybe I'll be known for breaking a record after all. Though, this is a record I could do without breaking...
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Untitled
No FicciónThe somewhat unformed thoughts and memories from my brain, collected here and written for catharsis. Untitled, because they aren't fully discovered or understood, so how can they truly be named? TRIGGER WARNINGS! This will be HEAVY with triggers. I...
