Woah...This Is Me?

Age 14

As I was riding my bike and the wind gushed through my hair, in the steamness of the sun, with complete solitude. All my mind could do was wander effortlessly to the reality I had embraced in this time that I was growing up.

Damn, isn't this a lonely world? I'm on my own, I have to grow up and do it all on my own. Even if people are there for me, they can never truly feel what I feel. The exact feeling. this separation is lonesome. 

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I remember age 13, damn was that another roller coaster on top of another. I thought I was gonna become so much better, but then they broke my heart. Them. My two best friends, my ride forever, that  I subconsciously pledged my loyalty to. 

Decided I wasn't good enough. How could they? Well I could even do it with a broken heart.

It's psychotic what happened, I thought they were my true friends, you never think a good memory can become a regret...until it does.

How do I describe it in words? The betrayal-the agony that I felt? The knife that they stabbed in my back without turning around the see if I bled to the end. Never did and won't.

Don't know if I'm over it, it left me broke and I still am a bit from it but there are other things to focus on.

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Stunningly, I didn't see it before but all my friends don't care about me, they're just doing what's in their best interest but I don't matter that much to them.

And every second- every moment- all I can see is that I give it my all, while they smile and then squeeze the lime in my cut.

Like how I need to get through this grade, without letting my mind generously take me to  distracting ideas of the past.

I'm losing it again,  how am I gonna pass my grades? Everything's falling apart.

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The other day, I was strolling through the colossal science room and I heard him say it. The guy I liked for a while. Actually, I thought we were friends. He said 'I hate her' (me)'.

What is happening to me? What is going on?

So I straightforwardly confronted him about it. He didn't deny it-he couldn't- he said he didn't mean it. Why do I wanna believe him? It was so strange what happened. I didn't think it got to me at all before that but the second I asked him, a tear escaped my eye. 

Wow, did I actually care?

Ofcourse, I told him I didn't believe him. Then his next few words confused me. 'I like you the most'. 

He asked if it was too late to change. And I was too immature, and didn't want to be honest, because it was too embarrassing...too vulnerable. And I said 'Yes'. 

A mistake I can't take back.

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I wish I could go back to how it used to be. When I could focus in class without thinking about how I wasted my time, with stupid people, doing stupid things.

When I didn't have a care in the world.