A true story

It's okay to shed the tears, but don't you tear yourself ~RM (moonchild)

I can't anymore. I just can't anymore. I'm broken. Empty. It doesn't work anymore. My energy is used up. I'm falling. There is no more ground under my feet to land on. No light at the end of the darkness. Only silence, darkness and free fall.

It doesn't stop. I'm trying to scream. From full lungs. But not a single sound comes out. Not even a whisper. No rescue in sight.
And I can't do anything about it. Not anymore. It's too late. I can't stop the coming darkness and voids that threaten to devour me.

I didn't say "no" often enough. I gave in too often and put my needs behind those of the others. Too often crossed my own limit. So often until it finally tore and disappeared. I can no longer distinguish between their and my needs.

I have lost hope and joy. The things that once brought joy and happiness don't mean anything to me anymore.
And yet I continue. I continue to cross my limit. Keep tearing them up. Because I can't stop. I have to go on. No matter how I feel.

These constant expectations that can never be fully met. I'm doing my best. But sometimes even that is just not enough. I can't give more than my best. It doesn't work.
But then these accusations still come. These disappointed looks. This constant "it's up to you". You have to be more open, give things a chance.
But when I'm the way I am, it doesn't always work. I can't do justice to everything and everyone.

And I don't have to. I don't have to live according to the ideas and expectations of others. I only have to live according to my own expectations.
And anyone who has something against it can fuck themselves. Anyone who can't cope with what and who I am can go. I don't need anyone to criticize me. I'll do it myself, thank you.

I may not be perfect, but who is that? There is only one version of me in the whole universe. And that's wonderful. And that means I'm unique. Each of you is unique in his or her own way.
And I think there is nothing more beautiful than uniqueness. This uniqueness distinguishes us. With all our characteristics and features.
Be proud of the person you have become. Be proud of your talents and fears. Be proud of everything that makes you special.

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Never let yourself be dictated how you have to be. It's your life and no one has the right to take your liberty to make your own decisions.
Go your own way. Make your own mistakes. And live your own dreams.
~M