I'm not doing well. But I can't describe how I feel. All I know is that I'm not doing well. In the meantime, however, this varies. Sometimes I feel better, but most of the time it gets worse. My head is quieter. This feeling is pleasant. No longer constantly to endure the many and different thoughts. But I don't know if that's so good. Because when my head also starts to become quiet, everything becomes quiet. Until everything becomes quiet and numb.
It feels like there was a gaping hole where my heart once beat in my chest. A deep black hole from which all life flows out of me.
On some days, it flows more slowly or not at all. These days are beautiful. The gaping edges of the hole begin the healing process. Piece by piece, the cracks connect until the hole becomes smaller.
However, there are also the less beautiful days. The days when the hole is torn apart again. Where every progress and every view of healing is destroyed again.
And then I start all over again. I will be pushed back into this deep black hole that has no longer only caught my heart, but also me.
I don't know how to describe it differently. This darkness always surrounds me and takes the air to breathe. It plants thoughts in my head that I don't want to have. It suppresses all feelings in me until I don't feel anything anymore. Until everything becomes numb and silent. I don't know if I should be afraid of it. Probably. But I can't anymore. I can't fight anymore and get up again and again.
The darkness leaves in me only emptiness, hopelessness and sadness. Sometimes also anger. A lot of anger. Anger at me, at the world and anger at everything and everyone.
I have such a deep sadness that you can't even see a little light. It goes so deep that when you look back, you can't see where it started. All you can see is darkness. The sadness is just there. An interplay of infinite emptiness, incredible hopelessness and deep grief, nourished and reinforced by the darkness. Depending on the day, the environment and the situation I am in in the moments, these three sensations vary.
But mostly it is the emptiness or the sadness that gains the upper hand. They carry me away, don't let me breathe and I can't do anything about it.
I had lost the fight for control. In the end, he took away all my energy and joie de vivre. But I don't think it was just the fight for control.
During this fight, other feelings also affected me, which I wanted to call mine again. I tried with all my strength to withstand all these emotions and feelings, but even a stone disintegrates into dust at some point.
Everything has an end. So is my energy in this struggle of feelings and emotions.
I couldn't do anything. They collapsed over me. So strong until I could only give up. With a huge storm that had brewed over all the years that this fight lasted. This storm had such a power that squeezes the air out of your lungs and turns your stomach around. That makes you collapse.
The worst thing is that you can't do much to prevent it. Except to accept it and get used to it. To look for ways of adaptation and, at best, to find some. Because this struggle of feelings and emotions does not only last a few minutes. It lasts many years of coexistence, with feelings and thoughts, permanently ignoring and hiding.
As long as the accumulated emotions overflow and explode. The calm before a huge storm, which will tear down so much that you can't feel sufficiently safe and reassured even with years of preparation.
And during this time, you can only wait. You have to sit out of the storm. Until he has passed and you can see a small spark of light.
But this process of waiting is anything but beautiful or relaxing. He is creeping, tedious and using an incredible amount of power. So that it becomes difficult to cope with it at once. And rarely even without help.
To blame yourself for this and to tell yourself that you are not strong enough is not right. Why do you have to handle everything at once and without help?
The storm didn't do it any other way. He takes his time to lure out even the smallest feeling. And he doesn't do everything alone either.
This storm is the interplay of infinitely many and different emotions, so that you can't cope with it alone.
Because every person is perfect in his or her own unique and individual way.
And for each own personality there are also unique feelings and ways of thinking that make you to you and me to me.
We are all different and unique and that's why every person only exists once. And that's perfect.
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I know that life can be very hard very often. But I'm pleading you to not give up. I know that you can do it. If not for yourself then for your family. If not for your family then for your friends. If not for your friends then for me. You're beautiful the way you are. You're stronger than you think. It isn't easy, I know that. But please don't give up. Just not now. It's your life and you decide what to do with it. I can just hope, that you will fight a little more.
I believe in you.
~M
YOU ARE READING
A true story
Storie breviThis book is for all the people that feel lonely, empty and broken. I hope you'll get some comfort by reading it and realising that you're not alone with your feelings.
