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3. Ragdoll

[Ragatha POV]

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

Panic attacks aren't uncommon for me but this one is lasting longer than any I've ever had before. It feels like it is never going to end. My heart is racing. It feels like it's climbing up my throat. I'm so nauseous. I'm probably gonna hurl.

I'm gripping the railing of my bed, telling myself it has to end eventually. My body is shaking so bad. My hands feel numb. This is bad, really bad. But it has to end. It'll end. Right?

 I can't breath. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

I am gasping for air. And the air is going into my lungs. But it's like I'm not absorbing it. I'm not feeling it. I'm not getting it. I need air. I need air. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

I can't do this. Not anymore. I can't spend another day inside this circus. I can't do more meaningless adventures. I can't spend another year near Jax's constantly cruelty or consoling Gangle or watching Kinger slip further into madness. Everyday is the same. Nothing changes. Nothing matters. I can't handle it any more. It's too much. It's too fucking much. I can't do it. I just can't. It's too much. It's too much.

Tears are rolling down my face but my skin just absorbs it. It's leaves moist marks on the fabric of my face. When I look into the mirror, it's very noticeable. I can't hide it anymore. I'm breaking. I'm falling apart. I can't do this anymore. I can't be who I need to be.

My heart skips a beat.

No . . . It can't be. . .

I see myself in the mirror. My eye is wrong. It looks. . . . like everyone else's when they . . . no, this can't be happening. I've lasted so long. This can't be it. It can't be over, can it? Would it be so bad is it was? No, that's horrible! I can't think that. That's wrong. That's wrong, right? 

knock knock

"Open up, doll! I got a present for ya!", Jax snickered from the other side of the door. I can't let him see me like this. I can still fix this, right? This isn't the end, right? I don't want that, right?!

"NOT NOW, JAX!!!", I screamed. I didn't mean to sound as aggressive as I did. Fuck. Is that going to be his last memory of me? I definitely don't want that. Fuck. Fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I still can't breathe. My head is so dizzy. It's pounding so hard, I can hear my heart beat. My hands are still shaking violently despite my inability to feel them.

What's happening? What's happening to me?

I hear a sound similar to that of a door unlocking. My eyes jolt to the door which is creaking open and I then glance back to the mirror. The last thing I see are eyes opening all over and my body being consumed by a growing darkness . . . And I give in. It's easier to just. give. in.

Finally.

[Jax POV]

"Open up, doll! I got a present for ya!", I snicker at Ragatha's door. I know she's not going to open the door because she knows I'd never actually give her a present. But it's still funny to take a jab at her. She can handle it. She's Ragatha.

"NOT NOW, JAX!!!"

??!???!!?!

That's not like her. Something must be wrong. She sounded panicked. I look down at the key in my hand. I was going to walk in anyway so why not now? I'll make sure she's alright, make a witty remark, and then leave her be.