LOVE, LOSS, LEYSIN LOOKING

AND SO IT BEGINS Chapter 1

A cold wind blew through Stockholm, deep snow drifts and ice were seemingly everywhere. The short daylight hours of winter allowed the darkness to envelop people as they went about their everyday lives in the Swedish Capital. Nowhere was the distinct chill felt more than at the very heart of ABBA, the biggest and most successful band on the planet. The band's happily married couple, Bjorn and Agnetha, who even a blind man could see were madly in love and made for each other had separated just a few weeks before. Long hours of song writing, coupled with the ever increasing demands on Bjorn's time by manager Stig Anderson had begun to affect their private life. As well as pressurising Bjorn and Benny for new songs, an album, Stig was also in the habit of arranging and agreeing to interviews from TV, radio, newspapers, magazines from all over the World and had developed a knack for dropping all of it into Bjorn's lap, expecting him to handle all of it. It meant that often he was away from home, away from the love of his life and their two young children for hours at a time, some interviews were scheduled for late night Swedish time and this could mean Agnetha didn't see him for a full day and was becoming distinctly unhappy about this. For his part Bjorn hated this situation, he wanted out of it but feared that if he pulled out Stig would badger one of the others into agreeing to do this and his mortal fear was that he would bully Agnetha into at least some of it and this was something she was simply not cut out for or comfortable with. Bjorn of all people knew that her greatest desire was to live a normal family life, far removed from the circus that surrounded ABBA, he'd known she was unhappy with things, did not appreciate the interference with their own life. What he had not expected was the conversation in November 1978 that rocked him to his very core and which he still struggled to comprehend and come to terms with "Bjorn, I hate to do this to you. God knows I hate it. But I want a divorce. This cannot go on, life doesn't work like this. We now have no life outside of ABBA. Everything revolves around it, you are away hours at a time, sometimes a whole day. The kids and I cannot live like this, we never see you, we never spend tome with you. I'm unhappy, so unhappy and I think it's best if we go our separate ways, make a clean break" shocked into momentary silence, Bjorn nodded but as the days went on he made a concerted effort to persuade her to change her mind, promised to cut back on his work load, to be around more, be the husband and father he'd always been. But it was to o avail, she'd made a decision and as much as it broke her heart, she felt she needed to be strong and stick to it, in spite of her own grave doubts about the choice she had made. Shortly after Christmas she moved out, along with Linda and Christian, they shifted just a few minutes down the road, but for both of them it might as well have been a different country. Bjorn could not bear the emptiness, the silence, the sheer loneliness of the house they had shared. He'd offered her to stay, saying he would move temporarily in with Benny and Frida but she suggested that she would find being in their home alone distressing and preferred to move into a Polar Music house just a few minutes away. He'd watched her pull away that fateful morning and turned back to the now eerily quiet and empty house, sat at the dining table and cried bitter tears, his heart shredded, feeling that his life as he knew it was over. He'd lost the one person he simply could not live without and the desolation he felt was all encompassing. Agnetha meanwhile was suffering from similar feelings, she wandered aimlessly around the house she moved into, a feeling of loneliness of regret surging and leaving her feeling totally alone without her beloved Bjorn to comfort her. Part of her wanted to jump in her car and drive home, beg him to take her back, she missed him desperately, a feeling that only increased in the days that passed. He would visit often, the joy of seeing him, being with him was wonderful but was quickly replaced by heart ache when the time came for him to leave. As he drove away, each time she would cry, wishing he would turn around, scoop her up in his arms and take her home. It was into this uncomfortable situation that 1979 came into being. The awkwardness of things had not eased, their feelings for each other were as strong as ever, as was their mutual attraction. They struggled with it all, trying desperately to figure things out, to resolve this awkward, uncomfortable circumstance. Bjorn wanted to rush over to her, throw himself on his knees at her feet and beg her for another chance, he came close to doing this more than once, but managed to stop himself just in time, knowing that it was not fair to pressurise her in this way "Don't be a fool Ulvaeus! Give the poor girl time to breathe, to think, then talk to her, sensibly. No begging, don't make her awkward around you. Give it a little space-You impatient berk!" he spoke to himself to break the silence that engulfed his home, he so wanted to hear her voice he often picked up the telephone, intent on dialling her number, only to change his mind. The awkwardness that was between them was of course exaggerated by the close nature of their working relationship. The affection they'd always shared even in the studio was now a cause of somewhat awkward moments as each instinctively looked to the other and had to stop themselves from putting arms around one another as they so normally would have. The feeling of strangeness was about to be increased as, for the first time since the public announcement of their impending divorce, they were due to do something very public. BBC television in the UK had asked them to perform an episode of a series titled Winter Specials. They were to fly to Leysin in Switzerland and perform a show, recorded specially for TV. It meant that for the first time since separating they would be together for several days at a time, that for the first time since the split they would be under the same roof. As the date neared for their departure, the uncomfortable feelings they both felt increased markedly, both wanted to be near the other and yet there was this odd, strange feeling of awkwardness to overcome. Bjorn had thought long and hard about this, as he struggled to sleep without her by his side and he'd come up with an idea to ease any tension that might be lingering "Look, we're going to have to go to the airport, so why don't you stay here the night before we go? We can get the kids ready in god time, just take things nice and easy. I mean, I don't want to force you or embarrass you into something you're not comfortable with. But look at it this way, come what may I'll be driving you and the kids to Arlanda Airport and it makes much more sense to have everybody under one roof, so that we can set off easily without any stops and so on" he'd looked at her closely, searching for some kind of sign, some kind of hint at her thoughts. She was looking into her lap but when she raised her head moments later he caught sight of a familiar gleam in her eye, a small sparkle which always was a sign of happiness with her. A smile came to her, a small smile at the corners of her mouth "Okay. I think you're right. It doesn't make sense to run between two places, we can leave from ho..You're house. We'll stay the night before" Bjorn had smiled happily but Agnetha had not quite finished "We'll have to arrange some sleeping arrangements. The kids can have their rooms but I, well I'll have to use a spare room" Frowning slightly Bjorn looked at her, she was biting her bottom lip as she so often did, an endearing habit he'd always loved "Spare room? Are you sure? I mean, look we're still officially married. There'd be nothing wrong, nothing to stop you sleeping in our bed" she blushed furiously, had he read her mind? she often wondered if he could, he seemed to know her thoughts as well as she did. The temptation to say yes was almost over powering, she desperately wanted to accept, to sleep in his arms again. But the logical side of her brain took hold, realising that this simple act could complicate things further, send mixed signals which could cause further stress and confusion between them. She smiled and shook her head "Something tells me that is not a good idea! I'd love to stay over with you and the kids, but let's not complicate things further by slipping into old habits, such as sharing our one time marital bed. I'll take a spare room, if you'll make it up for me" He made sure not to show it, but Bjorn was crushed, he'd really hoped she'd stay with him literally and physically. He'd never tell her but without her with him his sleep pattern was disturbed, he found it difficult to lie in their bed alone. So, the plan was set, arrangements made and everyone was to stay together for the first time since the separation. For Bjorn this was a distinct sign of hope, something to pin his hopes on. He spent the day tidying up, he'd allowed things to get rather untidy in the weeks he'd spent alone and he knew she'd be horrified, mortified to see what he'd allowed to happen. So he busied himself putting clothes away, stuff he'd left lying around, tidying up books, records, throwing old newspapers and magazines away and running the vacuum cleaner over the house so that it resembled the house she knew. He checked his watch and went upstairs to shave, the wet shaver he used made light work of two days stubble and he dabbed after shave lightly across his face, a scent he knew she loved. He smartened himself up, he'd hate her to see him looking so scruffy and untidy as he had been lately, she was worth the effort and he did not want her feeling guilty for his current messy state. Minutes away Agnetha too was busy, in her heart she was thrilled to be spending time with Bjorn. She missed him much more than she'd ever tell him, only Frida and Gorel knew just how badly she was struggling without him, to just what extent she yearned for him. Many times during the day she checked her watch and found herself daydreaming of what could happen when they were together, the possibilities seemed endless. Finally she shook her head, trying to clear her mind "You made a choice. Stick with it! You cannot give in to your feelings, your desires for him. It will only make things worse afterwards" she muttered to herself, trying to lecture her heart and mind into behaving and restraining themselves. Being so near to him, spending a night under the same roof was full of temptation for her. She could walk that house in the dark with her eyes shut and she knew that if she weakened it would only be a matter of minutes before she walked into their bedroom and climbed into bed with him for a night of love, of passion. She had to be strong, disciplined, but nobody said it would be easy.........