Love Games

Six: The kiss

I break away and run, I fight among the people. I breathe fast, my heart is racing. 

Fool, what have I done? 

Why have I done this? 

Why did I have to do this?

I wipe my lips; I wipe away the tears that have rolled down my cheeks. What did Dave say? Is it all true? 

Am I just so hungry for love that I want someone, anyone, to take pity on me and tell me I'm beautiful and that they love me?

Someone calls after me.

But I don't stop, I feel like my legs are on fire when I finally get some air through the emergency exit.

And I gasped.

I covered my mouth, what had I done?

 Where was Emma to stop me? 

I sit down on the sandy beach and take off my high heels.

I slowly stand up, carrying the shoes in my hand, and walk along the beach. It was obvious that no one was missing me. 

Emma stood up for me when Dave told me I was a slut. 

How dare that bastard come near her.

I look back and see the lights on, the music blaring, the only bar still open. I left my phone at Emma's; thank God I at least took the keys to get into the flat.

From a distance I watch people having fun, living their lives, no one knows that I am here today with a broken heart, that someone has taken away all hope of love.

The alcohol in me gives way. And the sadness slowly envelops me. I turn and walk on. When was the last time I really lived? Do something for myself, for my soul.

I watch the sea, the waves, how calm it is today, the moon shining in it.

The film of me kissing Jack, how he didn't resist, didn't try to reject me, didn't try to pull away, he was just there, all available, as if he'd been waiting for something like that to happen, plays over and over in my head.

My feelings are confused, make no mistake, I have never thought of myself as a really attractive girl. Anyway, all this with Dave has shaken my confidence and my opinion of myself a little.

Emma seems to have forgotten me, because I'm still alone on the beach, with no one around. What had I hoped for, that someone would follow me?

I watch the sea.

The waves as my heart pumps blood and sends it through my veins every second, every minute, every day, over and over again.

I get up, fix my clothes and walk back, shoes in hand, determined to go home. I wipe my face and fix my hair; the sand is everywhere.

I walk past the bar, not wanting to attract attention, I'm walking towards Emma's flat when I turn around and there's Jack at the window, laughing happily. The girls are all around him, a blonde girl in a short yellow dress with a low neckline is leaning towards him, happily showing off her fake breasts.

I am angry inside and at the same time I am upset. Why am I like this? Am I completely unhinged?

Jack is just a man who was in the right place at the right time and it felt right, even though I know I will regret it tomorrow.

I go back to the flat, I have to forget what happened. It's not worth it.

And not worth the tears.

A stranger.