I RECOMMEND READING THIS WITH DRIFT AWAY BY BEDROOM ON LOOP SO YOU KNOW HOW I WAS FEELING!!!!
Something in me was telling me that it was all fake. Everything that has happened to me was all fake and I am trying to think about it really hard. I have multiple problems that nobody knows about. Mental health sucks when it is so crappy. I find it scary.. I don't want people to know what I have been through, but nobody here knows me so it's fine. At the age of 13 developed...anxiety. My 6th grade math test hurt me.. well, made me hurt myself. I started self harming..I wasn't depressed, just scared. Scared of making a bad grade. I had anxiety of going into the cafeteria fro breakfast in the morning because maybe my table moved and I wouldn't know exactly where to go. I got into therapy..It embarrassed me because I would have to get up during classes and go to a session. I hated it so much that I just didn't go until after school. I didn't want people to know that I had problems.. I need to be perfect.. I can't be abnormal. I need to fit in..I want to be popular. At the end of 6th grade my best friends mom made me and her try out for cheer..We made it. I didn't think that I would.. We were involved in a friend group which I like to call the druggies.. 7th grade..we had this big friend group. I was doing cheer but I only liked the stunts. I didn't even like the girls on my team. None of them were bad, they just weren't talkative to me. At the end of 7th grade I decided to tell my mom that I didn't want to try out for cheer again. I was sad because I wanted her to be proud of me. 8th grade...the worst year of my life. Covid had come around this part of the year. people were dying.. I was alone a lot. I started getting depressed and suicidal...I remember I was in band and me and some friends hid behind a curtain on the stage leaving my main friend so I could try to vape. I vaped for the first time..didn't inhale.. My older sister was 10 feet away from me but unable to see me..she was talking to her friends. I was gonna kill myself soon. A week passed.. I tried to take a bunch of melatonin and kill myself.. didn't work.. sometime after that I was walking down the school hallway.. I remember I was getting really sad. I was listening to the song Drift away by Bedroom. I texted my mom telling her that I wanted to die. I remember that she had sent me a screenshot of the text I had just sent her and I was so confused..She apologized and said she didn't mean to do that. Her text was.. a text. I couldn't find out if she was mad or sad or emotionless. She told me to go to the counselors building which was across the street from the school. It was the walk of shame going there. I felt weak and my knees were wobbly. I held my head down the whole time. I sat in the chair with my head still down looking at the ground and playing with my fingers. My therapist told me that my mom sent her and my other therapist a text about what was happening. She told me that we would have a family meeting and that I need to think of the possibility of going to an inpatient clinic. I didn't really know what that had meant.. I was only 14. I cried because I didn't want to tell my mom about this.. Me leaving her to go get help. All because I got a little depressed. I thought she would be ashamed of me. Waiting in silence and drowning in anticipation..it killed me. I heard the knock. My therapist opened the door and I saw my moms feet. I don't remember a lot of it but I remember her starting to talk about her dad. She said she wasn't sure about inpatient(Mental Hospital) because her dad had been to one and he never really got better and kept going back like a cycle. I know that she was crying.. this must have been some real life foreshadowing..I remember going home and deciding that I would go. My therapist started trying to get me referrals and trying to get me into places..calling them up. It was 11:00 at night and I was trying to find clothes to pack up but all I could bring really was pajama pants. I went to my first mental hospital 2 hours away from my home..it was only supposed to be 2-3 days but I ended up there for a week. I made some friends..I missed my favorite holiday,,Halloween This was a couple days after my birthday too.
To be continued..
