Drift Away- Bedroom
Nothing Lasts- Bedroom
That was the first trip to the hospital... The next time I had come because I was having Tourettes symptoms. I was in bed..My mom didn't know what to do. My hands were feeling really numb and tingly. I had to move them..My mouth.. I couldn't help what I was saying. It scared me.. I had never cussed a day in my life and here I was.. cussing like a sailor. I was crying shaking.. I went to an actual hospital.. my first time to a medical hospital. They put a shot in me.. I remember nothing but arriving to a different mental hospital a couple hours later. It too was a couple hours away from my own home. I guess my family had packed my clothes for me. From what I remember I had gotten up at 4:00 in the morning and they drew my blood.. Something was very wrong.I went back to bed. I couldn't sleep.. I had a roommate when I got back in the room. I was thinking about the scary things I saw when I was at my last hospital.. I was thinking about how the last time I came home.. not really happy. They asked me"Are you suicidal, or homicidal.. Are you seeing things" yeah. "No" I just want to be back at home. I miss my family. I finally fell asleep. I woke up and had to go to class..yeah school at a hospital. I had imagined something different. I went home 10 days later. I came back not long after that.
I had cut myself when I was at home. I had a glass shard hidden near my bed.. I started to remember things.. When I went back to that hospital I had to take off all my clothes. I had to squat and cough. I had to pee in a cup. I had to draw blood again. This time it was summer. No school... but boring. Group therapy everyday and long days spent in the "day room". There was a pool there and we were going to go swimming. I didn't have a bathing suit so my mom bought and brought this oversized orange ugly swimming suit. I was embarrassed and didn't wear it. there was a big situation in the pool..Anyways.. I came home. Went back.. I went to a different hospital because I was seeing things. People, creatures, scary things. I was having nightmares.. I was having trauma. I had once asked my therapist if a person could have PTSD from the things that they saw that weren't really there. I could have sworn my dog was gonna kill me and my family. I met a guy named Arlo..he was sweet. I had witnessed fights at this place. One of my friends had thrown one of the staff members on the table..Scary. We had to rush out of the classroom. I went back to more and more..
I was getting diagnosed with many different things. I was diagnosed with Tourettes, PANDAS, schizophrenia, depression, seizures, anxiety, bipolar disorder... I saw things( weird clouds, fake sky, fake people, people hanging themselves in trees at the mall, stalkers, black slimy figures, spiders, insects) , I heard things(the devil chanting my name, people saying my name, plots, schemes, end of the world, eerie music), I felt things (anger, sadness, depression, lonely, unheard, unseen). I was experiencing something called psychosis.. I went on to many different hospitals.. I went to 8 in total..Many problems, no answers.. Why was all of this happening to me.. I was just a 14 year old girl. I am fully adopted. My birth parents are Mexican but my adopted parent it white.. the reason I say this is because everything aligned...like it was a horror movie written in the stars. The foreshadowing of my mom's dad who can't be related to me in any way.. he had these problems..kind of. He had bipolar disorder and he saw things and heard things and went manic. He went through a cycle of going to different hospitals, getting better, and then going back because he was bad again. Like me. My final diagnosis is bipolar disorder.. with Tourettes. Tourettes came along with my adhd, anxiety, and depression.
My 7th hospital.
I was on the phone begging and pleading my mom not to send me to a long term hospital. I would be there for God knows how long. I could be there for up to a year. I cried and fell on the floor. It was the second most sad I had been.
My 8th hospital
I had missed my 15th birthday..I didn't get to go home. I saw my family for 30 minutes that day. My 15th birthday I had thought of my culture and how it resembled me becoming a woman. It was supposed to be my quince. Although I wouldn't have been able to have an actual one. I was stuck at a hospital. I came home a couple days later.. Happy
I never went back.. I still struggle but I got better.
100+ people involved
23 different suicide letters
8 scars
2 attempts
Let this be a reminder that no matter what is causing you harm or pain internally or externally.. if you are getting bullied for your race, looks, ect. it can get better. Time will tell and you are a survivor..I survived
