Everything I Ever Wanted

Reality sucks

It's Thursday afternoon and I am in my last class for today. Chemistry. This is my only class that I actually enjoy. All the others are too boring, too firm or too hard. I find chemistry pretty easy as the teacher is only teaching us what are metals and what are non-metals. Stuff I learnt in 7th grade. But it's okay tho, cause during that time I get to doze off. I get to forget about all my problems all the school work and I just daydream. I sit in the last row so the teacher won't see me when I put my head on the table and close my eyes. I think about him. Every Thursday afternoon. Every chemistry class I lay down and think about him. I just want him so bad. I wish he knew that. I never felt like this before. Sometimes I wish he was in my class. I could see him everyday then. I could see him doze off in the classs too. And he could see me.

"Class is over kiddos, have a nice day" I am woken up by my teachers voice. Damn those 2 hours fly by when u are in a different world. I stand up, looking around me like I just woke up from an extreme hangover. And I see my teachers face. She doesn't look so happy. ""Everyone you're free to go, Evie you stay okay?". Shit. She caught me. I guess it took her longer than I expected. I thought she would've noticed by now. I guess her vision isn't as great. 'What's going on Evie huh?" She is asking me as if she really wants to know. Oh please. I bet she'll talk about my grades slipping in chemistry, just you wait. "I see your not as active as you've been at the beginning of the year.." Here it comes.."Your grades have been slipping down since April, so I just wanna know why" April..Thats the month I fell in love with Leon. But I couldn't tell her that. I couldn't tell anyone that. "Sorry, it's just there is a lot on my mind, I'll make sure I do some extra work" I say that standing up and picking my bag, I want to leave. She stops me. "Are you ok?" She asks, looking worried. "Yea..why wouldn't I be" I laugh to shake the tension away. Ugh I wanna leave so badly. "I see you're sleeping in my class, am I that boring?" She chuckles, but frankly that's not funny to me. "OH I'm sorry, its just I was up late last night so..." Why is she so persistent, ugh. "Okay just let me know if you need anything" I nod and smile. Then I leave. I am practically running down the hallway, I just wanna go home.

The reason I wanna go home so badly is because being in this school reminds me of him. And if I wanna forget about Leon before summer, I need to avoid places that have him in it. Which is gonna be harder than I thought. For the first time, I feel like using an elevator. We have this amazing elevator in our school and I barely use it. I figured why not, I don't feel like walking down the stairs anyway. I press button 0. But weirdly the elevator goes up. I swear to god. If someone comes in here imma be pissed cuz all I want rn is to be left alone. I know it sounds so pick me and cringey but I'm so fr rn. Sometimes all I wanna do is cuddle up in my bed and listen to Taylor Swift and cry. The doors open. I can hear the elevator sound opening, I go on my phone to not make any eye contact with whoever is there. But when the doors open I can't help but hear the voices. Deep voices. Of boys. And not the boys from my class, not the boys from year 12 or year 11. These are year 10 boys. My heart stops. Im scared to look up now. Oh god. Could this day get any worse. Ye, yes it could. "Hey isnt that the girl that's obsessed with you, Leon??" Mark .. I know that voice when I hear it. I look up and see Jake, Mark and...and Leon all turned to me. All facing me. Except, except the one. Leon. He is looking at his phone. He is leaned against the elevator wall with one leg on the wall. He looks so perfect. The kind of perfect I wish I could be. "Evie was it?" Ugh that just reminded me that they are there too. "Yeah" Ugh my voice is so weak, I hate it. But Leon doesn't, cause he finally puts his phone down and looks at me when I reply. We make eye contact. I am looking at him and he is looking at me. Suddenly I forget where I am, I forget all my problems and the fact that there are two idiots on his side laughing right now. When I look into his deep blue eyes, Its like I drown in them. Ocean eyes. I forget how to swim. I do not know how to swim anymore. I fall apart. And that's what he can see. That's what everyone can see. Im not proud of that, Im not proud I'm giving him the satisfaction of feeling wanted, of feeling loved.

The elevator door dings again but this time its my turn to go out..I stop staring at him and I try to reach the doors. But someone grabs my hand. Mark. "Just so yk, Leon prefers blondes" I look at him, my eyes blinking fast and I say "Good cuz I don't like boys who hang around idiots" And I leave. At this point, thousands of thoughts are going through my mind. Why would they say that, how do they know I like him. I mean I guess I was pretty obvious about it. With all the squeaking and hiding in the corridors when I saw him. I thought it would be better if he knew I like him, I thought it would be easier. But I guess not. I guesss 16 year old boys are different and so immature apparently. "He likes blondes huh?" I mutter, approaching my locker. I am rushing to get my books and leave this place. Thank god it's almost the end of the week. I open my locker and grab my books. When I close my locker, Leon is standing next to me. Wtf when did he get here? I gasp and slam the locker shut. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" I can't breathe again. I can't believe Leon is talking to me. Oh his own. No idiots around him now. "It's fine" I say trying to leave, I need to show him Im not obsessed with him like everyone says I am. Even tho they are completely right. But I can't show him that. Im scared of rejection. So I leave. Or at least try to. He steps gently infant of me and holds my arm. "Can I talk to you, a second please" Leon is begging me to listen to him?? What is going on? I bet this is one of his stupid dares. "Why?" I say looking up at him. Looking at him feels so good, it almost makes me feel safe. I lean on the locker, adjusting my bag that's about to fall off my shoulder from how heavy it is. "Look, about what happened in the elevator..." He says looking down, he looks like he is sorry. Genuinely sorry. "Don't worry about it, Its fine" I say looking down as well, I have to hide the fact that I am lying. Cause it's not fine. I am not fine. ""But it's not fine" Look who read my mind. "Evie, I know you like me...I see you in the canteen everyday, staring at me. The things you post on instagram, you think I don't see that? Well I do, and when you texted me about my igcse advice, I knew you weren't just curious about that, you were looking for a chance to talk to me." Damn. I guess my red flag is being too obvious. And I thought I was doing great. I try to speak but he shushes me. "Shh, no you don't have to say anything now..." He leans closer and closer to me.

...What is going on... I feel like I will faint each time he steps closer to me. His eyes are locking my lips and my eyes are staring into his. I feel his hand touch my delicate face. My red tomato face. I feel the warmth in my cheeks and my mouth suddenly gets really dry. I panic. I have never ever kissed anyone before. I don't know what to do, I am not ready for this. His curls fall into his eyes, I can't see his blue yes anymore. Now he is only a few centimetres away from my lips and I can feel him breathing. He pauses and says "Is it okay if I kiss you now?" Oh my gosh. Is it okay?? Is it??? I don't know! I mean I think it is. This is what I wanted since forever, this moment. This moment I was daydreaming about and now it's finally here. Its real. I stop overthinking and Just desperately give into him. I kiss him on the lips and put my hands oh his face pulling him in more. We kiss for few seconds and then he pulls away. I have done something wrong. I knew it. I blew everything, and why the fuck am I even kissing in school?? "What's wrong?" I ask as I pull away too. "No, nothing I umm, I just need to think about this okay?"He says looking down again. He won't look at me. Why won't he look at me? "Think about what...?" I ask, my voice is weak and shaky. I am embarrassed because I know what he will say now. "Im sorry, I can't do this" He lets go off my hand and turns around heading towards the doors. I stand there in quiet looking down the hallway. Watching him disappear further and further in the hallway. Eventually I don't see him anymore. He left and I am still right here where he left me. Next to the lockers that used to be the magical place until now. Now they are haunted. Haunted by this moment. I take shaky breaths as I try to pull myself together and not cry right there and then. I drop my heavy bag on the floor and slide against the bright orange lockers. I cuddle myself around the knees with my head down. And then, right then, I let out a cry...