Paragon

Chapter 14: Comorbid

Asher sat stiffly in the plush armchair; her hands clasped tightly in her lap as she looked around. The office was warm, decorated with soft colours and framed inspirational quotes, but Asher felt an icy barrier between herself and the therapist sitting across from her.

Lenora watched her with patience, her own posture relaxed and inviting.

"How are you feeling today, Ashera?" Lenora began, her voice smoky and soothing.

Asher hesitated, glancing at the floor. "I'm... okay, I guess," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. She appreciated the process and wanted to believe it could help, but scepticism still held a firm grip on her heart.

"I know this can be...weird," Lenora said, leaning forward slightly. "I used to feel the same way. After my own trauma, I didn't believe therapy could help me. I never imagined I'd become a counsellor, but here I am. Talking really does help."

Asher looked up, meeting Lenora's gaze. There was something genuine in her eyes, something that made her feel a flicker of hope. "I... I suppose," she said slowly, "uhm, to answer your question, today...I feel...off. Well, I've always just felt...off. Not just because of the shadows or the new environment. It's deeper than that I suppose."

Lenora nodded encouragingly. "Can you tell me a bit more about this feeling you've been battling with? It sounds like you've been carrying these consistent feelings for a long time."

Asher took a deep breath. "I feel as though I don't fit in, like I'm too different from everyone else. It's hard to explain. It's like there's something wrong within me, like an error. But on the exterior, everyone sees me as the opposite, very 'well put together', or whatever. I can't blame them, because I've personally ensured to be that way for as long as I can remember. "

"Why do you really want to present yourself that way? To protect yourself? Or is it more that you're striving to become that person, but deep down, you're afraid you're not?"

"The latter," Asher murmured uncomfortably as she drank her tea.

"Let's try something. Write down a list of words that describe your most prominent or recurring emotions since childhood," Lenora prodded encouragingly.

Asher took the pen and paper Lenora handed her. After a few moments of contemplation, she wrote down one word: Imposter.

Lenora looked at the word and then back at her. "Why do you feel like an imposter?"

Asher swallowed hard, feeling a lump form in her throat. "I feel as though I'm not...right sometimes, like there's something inside me that wants to rip itself out. Sometimes, I wish I could just reach inside myself and pull it out. Whatever it is! It's like there's another part of me that I can't control or understand. And I've never told this to anyone before...not even my Sisters."

She started to feel more at ease, loosening up and becoming more willing to talk; perhaps because she was opening up to a stranger, someone with no preconceived notions of her.