pumpkin spice ~ once-ler x reader JOKE FIC

chapter 3 - the call

You open your eyes and wake up from your nap that you took after a week of walking back to your apartment. You get out of bed and walk into the kitchen, listening to the muffled sounds of the city. It's quiet. A bit TOO quiet. You turn on your vintage radio that you got from the flea market along with the fleas that are in your hair at the moment.

One of your favorite old songs comes on and you start crying because you're a hOpElEsS rOmAnTiC even though your entire existence is a red flag for the Once-ler. 

(a/n: why am i getting emotional about these songs tho-)

You put a filter in the coffee machine and pour in some hot water and add some coffee beans. You listen to the coffee machine sounds and imagine it's a subliminal or something. After a few moments the coffee is ready. You pour it in a mug with the Starbucks logo and add every grain of pumpkin spice powder on earth because it's very aesthetic. After that you put an entire pumpkin in the mug and add some random spices because I think that counts as pumpkin spice...?

You take a huge G U L P of your coffee, not even bothering to post it on Insta because you're depressed. Also, you might be growing demon wings.

Suddenly, your phone rings.

This is the ringtone.

You consider changing it.

ANYway, you pick up the phone. "Hello?"

"Y/N? Are you there?" 

You groan, realizing it was the Once-ler. "What do you want?" You ask him.

"Look, I need to explain who the picture was. I never cheated on you. We were never in a relationship!"

You stay silent, waiting for him to answer. He stays silent too.

"Um, Y/N?"

"I thought you were going to explain."

"Oh, I didn't pick up your cue, haha."

You wonder why you ever talked to this man. 

"The girl in the picture is my dead cousin."

"WHAT?!?!?!!?!?!?!"

You fall down in shock, dropping your coffee all over the floor.

"I maybe possibly shouldn't have put it in the guest bathroom, but uhh, yeah."

You mourn the loss of your coffee and stand back up. "Well, thanks for clearing that up. Can I come back to your house now?" You ask the Once-ler.

"..."

"...Oh."

"That wasn't really my house. I live in a tent thingy outside of town. Hope you understand."

A tent outside of town. Huh. You let that sink in. 

"Well, I DON'T CARE where you live. I'm going to go to your house!!!!"

"Okay, okay. I'll pick you up..."