Let Me Go

Chapter 1 - Life

GRACE

Life.  Such a simple word; uncomplicated and pure – a blank canvas waiting to be painted on, full of hope with a promise that each soul will have an opportunity to develop and gain its own independence and freedom.  It seems such an inappropriate word to describe the dark, twisted mess that I was living in.

“Grace.” Her soft whisper disturbed my turbulent thoughts. “Gracey, are you ok honey?” I stayed silent, leaning my head against the bed frame and closing my eyes. “I’m sorry I shouted at you darling, it was my fault. These past few days have been really stressful with work and everything but it’s going to get better soon sweetie, I promise.” Something about the kindness in her tone stabbed at my stomach – guilt. I cradled my knees in my arms and rocked myself gently back and forth, craning my neck to bury my face in my lap.

There was a gentle tap that made a soft, hollow noise against my wooden door. “Grace, can I come in?” I swallowed hard, tears pricking my eyes. She croaked desperately, “Grace … please.” Her voice was shaky, full of loneliness and fear. I inhaled deeply through my nose before finally responding, “Go away mum, I hate you.” My reply was bitter and twisted; my voice hard and cruel. I sat there a while; lifeless, just listening to the deafening silence until I heard the familiar, timid brushing of her slippers shuffling miserably along the thick carpet.

Although I had heard this sound so many times before, it never got easier. Each time I still received the same painful tug of my stomach, my heart. But it wasn’t enough to consume the licking flames of fury that raced through my bloodstream turning everything to stone and ice. I was going insane, burning from the inside out and I didn’t know how to stop it.

CONNOR

To be or not to be. One of the most famous lines in English literature and yet probably one of the least understood. Which is ironic for, to me, this quote describes the meaning of life and death which in my opinion is the human race struggling to understand their purpose on planet earth and fearing the unknown that is death. So through my eyes, by not understanding this quote, we indeed understand exactly what it means. Complicated? Yes, but then again – what isn’t in this world that we live in?

Nothing is ever simple, I knew that know but oh boy had I learned it the hard way. Everything we do could affect the rest of our lives. One second may seem a tiny, micro fraction of time, yet it is long enough to make a mistake, long enough to take the wrong path, long enough to destroy the one thing that you live for and long enough to say words that you will regret for the rest of your existence.

Of course, on the other hand it is also long enough to start again, long enough to find your way, long enough to fall in love and long enough to hear words you have been waiting forever to hear.

Waiting. I seemed to be doing a lot of that these days. Waiting for something significant to happen. A change that would give me a preview of my future, enable me to look forward to something and give myself something to aim for in life.

It felt like I was a kid again at the park, on the roundabout spinning round and round. Most kids liked that ride, it was simple, uncomplicated – just a few seats on a circle, spinning. I didn’t like it much. It was okay at the start but after a while I felt sick and dizzy like the world was spinning out of control and I wanted to get off to stop it but it was too late, the same motion over and over again, never pausing, never slowing… I much preferred the climbing wall. It was hard work getting up; most kids were too impatient to bother mastering the strength and skill to reach the top. Straining your legs to push you up, gripping onto the handles until your hands turned raw and your arms felt dead. But it was worth it, for the feeling you got when you finally reached the shiny, red flag pole. Success and achievement.

So there I was, waiting for a wall to climb, a flag pole to reach for. I wanted to be useful; I wanted to do something with my life that would actually help something or someone. Like everyone else on this planet I was looking for purpose in my life- how unique.