Let Me Go

Chapter 4 - Nothing's ever perfect

I stomped upstairs to my old room; it was as if we never left. The house I mean, not the situation. I didn't think it was possible but our situation is even more messed up than when we were last here. I had been desperate to leave, everything just felt wrong. Dad had left and mum was a walking dummy or as much use as one. Believe or not I actually thought I would be happy in London. It was a fresh start.

It was going okay. Mum loved her new job, she had been promoted which is why we decided to move, as the position was over there. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to just get away from it all and start over! Of course now I know that nothing is ever perfect, ever. Everything that has ever bought me any happiness has been snatched away from me and it hurt. Which is why I now have strict guidelines not to let anything or anyone get to me. I have to make sure I am in control of my own emotions. If someone else tries to influence them, I shut them out. I guess that's what happened with mum.

It wasn't long before he came crawling back, begging our forgiveness. Mum took every spoonful of shit he fed her and guess who was left to pick up the pieces? Me. I'm not going to lie I didn't make it easy for him; quite the opposite actually. As soon as he moved into the flat I did all that was in my power to make his life hell. At first I refused to talk to him and when I was forced to, I called him Brian instead of dad. Thanks to his extremely short temper this really pissed him off but it wasn't enough. I wanted a reaction.

I needed to really get under his skin. So I got braver, making bold comments every time he tried something. We had a lot of shouting matches and I could see mum hated it, but I couldn't stop; not until he was gone for good. It annoyed me actually, how she would just stand there and do nothing. I know I was acting like a cow, but he had betrayed her and not once did she try to defend me.

It was a Saturday morning when he cracked. I had spent most of the night before listening to their bed banging against my wall and mum's pathetic whimpers calling out his name. It was the first time, to my knowledge, that they had sex with me in the house. I felt sick. How did they have to nerve? I mean, I was next door for fuck sake! But what upset me more was that this meant that mum had forgiven him and he was definitely in control.

My mum is a shy character. I have nothing against her for this; she's modest and classy. I know mum wouldn't have wanted them to have sex when I was there. She had no spine, that's what I have against her. I could never rely on her. How could she ever stand up for me, when she can't even stand up for herself?

It was because of this that I sat waiting for them to come into the kitchen that morning.

*FLASHBACK*

I heard his dirty whispers in the hallway, swallowing hard, I held back a gag. They stumbled into the kitchen, his hands clutched around mum's bum. I forced a cough to let them know I was there. Mum twisted her neck to look at me, her cheeks flushing. My father on the other hand continued to slobber down my mum's neck.

Disgusted, I cleared my throat, 'Nice shag?' I blurted out raising my eyebrows.

'Grace!' My mum gasped, her cheeks turned a shade darker. I ignored her, my eyes fixed on dad, his jaw clenched. I continued.

'Well it's nice to know your settling in Brian! I suppose you won't have to bother introducing yourself to the neighbours now... I mean after last night, I wouldn't be surprised if the whole city knows your name!' Mum was horrified, she just stood there with her mouth hanging open. Brian slowly let go of her and took a step forward.

'Don't speak like that to your mother.' He growled, his eyes were mad, my heart felt like it was going to jump out my chest. I was scared shitless.

'How did she compare then?' I kept voice light, fighting the shaking that was crawling through ever single muscle in my body. His chin jerked to the side in irritation and he took another side towards me.

'Who?' He spat in my face and his livid stare burned through my sockets. I lifted my head to stare back into his terrifying gaze.

'Oh come on Brian don't tell me you've forgotten? You remember Sharron, that seccy you fucked!' He rose his arm above his head and smashed it into the side of my skull.

'Brian!' My mother's scream stabbed at my brain. My vision was blurred and delayed as I pulled a shaking hand from my head to see my fingers painted with blood. The hand moved back and forth and the room kept going from light to darkness. I couldn't hold myself up, my legs were failing beneath me. Waving a limp arm in front of my body, I searched for the counter.

Then I was falling down, down and everything just went black.

*END OF FLASHBACK*

I spent that night in A & E. Lucky for Brian the docters bought mum's story about me tripping and whacking my head on the door frame. I was so angry with her and the only reason I didn't tell anyone the truth was because she promised me that dad had left. I couldn't get my head around what had happened. Afterall, he was my dad. Mum shouldn't have let it got that far, it was her job to protect me.

It was after 'the accident' that mum really hit a low. I knew how guilty she felt, but I wasn't having any of it. She started buying me gifts and she let me decorate my room. I'd have a take-away almost every night and she would just have toast. She let me get highlights, something I knew she was really against. But it made things worse.

Every time she did something nice it was just a reminder of dad. I didn't trust her anymore and I got really paranoid and suspicious. She bought a friend back from work once, Mike. I felt sorry for him really, it wasn't his fault but I couldn't stand him being in the flat, talking to my mum. It just didn't feel right. I didn't have to say much before he was out the door.

I was pushing barriors, dying my hair black, getting piercings everywhere. It was for the thrill a lot of the time, to help me forget everything else. It was an adrenline rush and I took pleasure in the look of horror on mum's face each time I returned with a new addition to my body. But she never said anything much, she was so weak. I spent all my time looking for a buzz. That's when I found my new friend, drink.

It was fun and gave me the rush I needed. I feel like i'm happy when I drink, I have no worries and I can just be. I know it's not healthy but I can't stop now. When I stop, I think and thinking is painful.