Tired

The notebook

Author's note:
This is just a little part of Rain's notebook. His thoughts.
Phayu reads this.
This is just Rain being down again, writing to his future self. This is like Rain's depression talking to him.
English is not my first language, sorry for all the mistakes.

____________

In the darkness of the night. The tears look like nothing. Like they aren't there. Like it doesn't hurt.

The feeling of humiliation you feel about yourself, the sadness, it seems it all disappears. Drink after drink. You seem happy, but you are not, little one. You are lost. So lost.

You feel a bother. Small. Insecure.

You are just existing, feeling like everything could be better, but you just, don't deserve it.

And at night. With the darkness engulfing you, you feel so little. A lost puppy. A lost baby. A lost soul, without a light guiding you to a safe place.

You try to keep your mind occupied, saying to yourself you matter, you are important, someone will notice your efforts.

But is it a lie?

Are you lying to yourself... Again? You are lost. You are nothing.

So insignificant in everyone's life.

They say to you that you matter, yet they don't try to understand why you feel that way.

They say they care, yet they don't notice when you really need someone, something.

You feel dead. So dead. Your life doesn't have a purpose anymore. You don't know what to expect.

Like you don't care.

You care. You do. Just not what you are supposed to.

You care for them. For the ones that don't notice that you are dying inside. Little by little feeling so stupid.

You naive little thing.

You had big dreams, and now, look at you. So alone. So sad.

You should end it all, but you are a coward, to scared to actually die, that you let your mind leave you, your soul die, but you won't let your body be free.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to die, because you are me. And without you, I wouldn't exist. But I just want a break. Because you might not see it, but I'm broken.

And it's getting really hard to keep going.

But you won't notice. Too lost in pretending. In pretending not feeling anymore.

And what is worse, is that you tried, you tried to speak to them, to tell them. But they won't look enough at you, or that is what you think.

Does it hurt, Rain? When I tell you the truth about yourself?

Does it seem selfish?

Do I really need to express my wish to die, even when I'm scared of death, or do you already know? I want to keep existing, but I want to feel, finally, that everything is calm.

You are naive. Too good for your own. And they don't care. They just want to destroy.

Say, Rain, are you really happy? Are you ready? Do you deserve him?

No. The answer is no.

Do you know what you deserve? Want me to tell you? No. Because you are a coward.

People are mean. Just when you seem to be happier, they attack. But you know they are right. Am I just an invention of your own mind? No. I'm just your depressed state, giving you the reasons.

Are you going to try? No, I knew. You are just hurting yourself without actually doing it. You little coward.

Just leave me alone. I want to be okay. I want to be happy. I want to stand by him.

It's been some time, did you need someone to talk to? Someone that will tell you the truth?

You are useless.

You hate it. Don't you?

But again, why haven't you got any help?

Cause you know they don't care.
_________________

The grey and green notebook is on the floor, ink stains on it, making some words blurry.

Dry blood on some pages.

Is it how he feels?

Phayu thinks, tears in his eyes.

And this is a page in the middle, I'm scared to read from the start. But I have to, if I want to know his feelings. His true feelings.

But first, he has to talk to him, he is not willing to read someone's private things. At least, not more than he had read.